Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 94
ESCAPE Weekly
March 26 - April 1, 2010 – 4
Rage against the season
Did you know spring is trying to make a fool of you?
S
activities that you do not do very often….”
pring is an insidious time of year.
And that, my friends, fits with all three of
It comes all wrapped-up in a pretty
package of bright balmy days, colorful the dumb things from paragraph one —
and a whole lot more. I hear springtime
flowers and renewal. Everything is tender
increasingly brings folks into emergency
and green and heady — and it all fools
rooms for treatment of things such as
you into thinking you’re younger than you
“sportsman’s spine,” “venereal vertebrae”
are. The sap rises in your veins and you
and “doofus’ dorsal.”
start doing dumb things such as fixing the
Divorce: Harkening back to item three
back gate, taking up tennis again or finally
in the first paragraph, to wit, that mistress,
getting that mistress you’ve always wanted.
it might seem that spring would see the
But the spring-induced errors in
most filings for divorce, as
judgment don’t end there.
errant husbands kick up
Oh no.
their heels. But don’t forget
Yard work: The sinister
it takes awhile to get caught.
nature of spring begins with
And, actually, January is
your yard greening-up and
generally believed to be
flowers, such as pretty yellow
“divorce month,” as most
dandelions, showing their
folks wait until just after the
colors. It’s all so uplifting that
togetherness of the holidays
you go out and buy more
Jim Walker
to plunge the knife in.
plants, and fertilizer, to help
Don’t Take Me Seriously
But when is a divorce
things along. It takes about a
really a divorce — when it
week before all this results in
starts or when it is final? Here
your home being smothered
it all comes together. My guy who sells
and lifted skyward by greenery like
statistics in the alley indicates the average
something out of Jack and the Beanstalk.
And, suddenly, you have no time left for California divorce takes about 15 months
your other ill-advised activities of the season. to complete (as in January to April) —
badda-bing, spring!
Beyond that, doctors have warned that
It ends where it begins.
mowing, weeding and pruning can be as
And I’m told hospitals see a
dangerous as playing competitive sports.
definite spring increase in treatment
Many gardeners end up needing treatment
of the “alimony aches.”
for things such as “gardener’s back,”
Convertibles: Other sources point
“weeder’s wrist” and “pruner’s neck.”
to spring traditionally having the highest
But never fear. The coming summer
heat will soon evaporate the moisture from sales of convertible cars. (Conversely,
your blood, thus lowering the sap-pressure fall probably sees the highest number
of convertible trade-ins.) And while the
and bringing clarity — and a cure. Just
statistics are elusive, it would most likely
turn off the water and your house will
follow that spring brings the highest
come back.
incidences of windburn, bugs-in-teeth and
Brown is the new green.
toupees found along the side of the road.
I have it on the best authority.
And this is when walk-in clinics treat the
Back injury: Aside from back problems
caused by gardening, some sources indicate most cases of sunburned mistresses.
Motorcycles: Take convertibles, cube
that spring sees more back injuries in
the injury potential, multiply by your age
general than any other season. To quote
and degree of midlife crisis, then divide
WebMD.com, “Injuries frequently occur
by your disposable income — and you
when you use your back muscles in
Metro Creative Connection
Ah, it’s spring ... when a man’s fancy turn may turn to convertibles — and some other reckless ideas.
have the spring insanity quotient for bikes.
Treatable injuries often include “road rash,”
“helmet hair” and “leather lap.”
Pets: Now, I always thought that
puppies were children of the spring.
Not so, I learn. We’ve bred that out of
dogs, and they will reproduce anytime
you’re distracted by a phone call. But
a lot of people like to get puppies in
the spring. Beyond that The Humane
Society notes that spring begins “kitten
season.” And we know that Easter time
is also “rabbit season,” with all the
misguided gifting of rabbits.
But it really all comes down to one
season, doesn’t it?
That’s right, I’m talking about coyote
feeding season.
Insidious.
Spring cleaning: If you say to
someone, “Fill in the second word here…
spring blank,” they will most likely say,
“Spring cleaning.”
(Well that is, if they are beyond college
age — otherwise they will answer “spring
break” — an escapade that receives its
foolhardiness from youth-induced sap that
flows all year long.)
While spring cleaning is a noble
endeavor, you know, for your wife,
husbands must find ways out of this,
to be blamed on “spring fever,” “spring
allergies” or not feeling “like a spring
chicken.” And, if you need a better
excuse to avoid the insanity of spring
cleaning, sources indicate it can be
downright deadly. “Honey, I mixed the
bleach with the ammonia. Is that OK?”
(Insert sound of body falling here.)
The good news is that spring is way
down on the heart attack season list,
coming in at number three out of four. And
they say whatever doesn’t kill you makes
you stronger. But just remember that your
decisions may be a little suspect during
this season. Maybe you should just rent the
convertible for those “tennis” weekends with
the mistress.
