Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 93
Madness is as madness does
Almost cut my ’stache
It happened just the other day
It’s gettin’ kinda long
I could’ve said it was in my
way
But I didn’t and I wonder why
I feel like letting my freak flag fly
(with apologies to Crosby,
Stills, Nash and Young)
S
o, you ask, “How is Mustache March shaping up at
The Signal?”
“Oh, the horror!” I exclaim.
Of those who entered the competition, which was pitched
to me as a “show of solidarity,” only a couple of hairy men
are left standing. And of those,
I am the only fool who started
growing his ’stache near the beginning of March and will, by
Odin, keep it at least until the
end of March.
The others?
One day they are growing,
the next shaving ... I can’t keep
track. As far as I’m concerned
they are all worthless and weak.
(Note: Those fellows who always had facial hair were excluded at the get-go.)
Now I’m sure those quitters
all had good reasons for wimping out — but those excuses all
sound like “Wha, wha wha, my
girlfriend, my girlfriend” to me.
Toughen up, you meats.
My mustache is lame, itchy
and makes me look older ’cause
it’s got a lot of gray in it. And
one thing is for certain: It isn’t
working on the ladies like Tom
Selleck’s or Sam Elliott’s do.
Mine has more the effect your
creepy step-uncle’s has.
“Why not dye it?” you ask.
“That would
things —
be cheating,” I
things I don’t
answer.
want him to
It would be
talk about.
going against
Got to stay on
the unwritten
his good side.
rules of the
Mustache
competition,
March —
the Bro Code.
it’s basicalJIM WALKER
But I did
ly a pointless
try soaking
exercise in
it in my morning coffee — and
madness, and a perfect example
it took on a little orange. Doing
of the kind of things we waste
the same with red wine gives
our lifetimes on.
it a nice blush tint. But neither
“What, me waste time?” you
of these imparts any permanent
ask.
color.
“Let’s consider,” I encourage.
So (and keep this a secret) —
Consider the pointless-exgoing against my honorable naercises/good-money-after-bad
ture, the Bro Code, and also gothings we spend so much of our
ing against the directions on the time doing.
box — I did, actually, try a little
Grooming: Boys, those 48
Grecian Formula. And after the
seconds you spend on grooming
swelling went down ... there was each morning are pretty much
a hint of yellow above my lip, I
a waste of time. For those of
think. But my memory is failyou who are married, it is totaling, perhaps owing to the effects ly unnecessary. The only time it
of G-Formula-induced lead poimight become important is when
soning.
your toenails have reached leBut I will keep my ’stache —
thal-weapon status.
at least until the end of March.
And for those of you still
Why?
on the romantic hunt, groom’Cause ... I feel like I owe it, to ing barely makes a difference.
someone.
“They” are primarily interested
Call it stubbornness, or mayin your sense of humor. No, sebe the need for a change in my
riously, I read it in Cosmo.
life that won’t cost me monHobbies: Hobbies are how we
ey or send me packing for Afmark the stages of our pointless
ghanistan. The problem is, after
lives — and dispose of extra instruggling with it for a month, I
come. Remember when you
will be reluctant to waste the ef- were into tropical fish? Inevitafort by chopping it off. My good bly, they all died, and now the
buddy M-stache and I have al$1,200 aquarium system gathready shared good times and bad ers dust in the garage — right
together. (Now there’s your solnext to your $800 worth of fishidarity.)
ing gear. (And, yes, you should
Besides that, he has seen
have combined the two hobbies.
don’t take me
SERIOUSLY
By the time you found them
f loatin’ at the surface, they were
no good for eatin’.)
And the photography gear/guitar/skis/mountain bike/leather tools/foreign language tapes?
They’ve all gone to Hobby
Heaven, somewhere behind the
broken-down WaveRunner and
in front of your sequin punch.
You’ll hang onto these until
your heart seizes, and then some
woman will purchase them all
for $5 at the following yard sale
— and her husband will store
them in his garage. Ah, yes ...
the times of our lives.
Working: The Powers That
Be, including your wife and
those open-mouthed baby birds
she calls children, will insist
that working is a necessity and
not a hobby. I beg to differ.
While working is the most
grueling of hobbies, consuming a ridiculous portion of your
life and sucking the motivation
and moisture out of you like you
were King Tut, it is optional,
nonetheless.
Think about it. There were
times in your life you weren’t
working. Did you die? Of course
not. When you cut out all your
other hobbies, including dating, pet care, gambling, driving, booze and home ownership,
your overhead is minimal.
Besides, like Blanche said,
you can always depend on the
kindness of strangers.
The rest is madness.
Jim Walker can be reached at
jwalker@the-signal.com. His
column ref lects his own views
and not necessarily those of The
Signal.
