Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 90
Competitive stupidity
the highest of aspirations
S
o, it’s possible I’m poking my head up er.
too far and presenting a much better
You could try a “‘Write the Dumbest
target here in the “regular paper,” as
Law’ Contest.” For example, I’ve heard
opposed to my usual, sequestered and shelthat, in Alabama, it is against the law to
tered place-from-which-I-ambush in Esdrive while blindfolded. And in London, it
cape. (Never fear, I plan to continue my
is against the law for people to catch a cab
rants there, as well, on alternate Fridays
if they are infested with the plague.
from this column.)
On this latter law,
Yet, in a continuing spirit
I wonder if you have
of misguided invulnerabilto know you have the
ity, let me stare down bulplague, or just have it,
lets on these pages right
to be breaking the law
off by, you know ...
when you catch that
... biting the hand that
ride. I mean, I hear it
feeds me.
starts out with just a
It seems that Thelittle chill.
Signal.com will soon
(Note: Professional
JIM WALKER
be presenting: the “Best
legislators are banned
Restroom in the SCV
from participating in
Contest.”
the Write the Dumbest Law Contest, as
I kid you not. We have sunk to that level.
they have too much experience.)
Well, OK, the paper-via-its-Web-site has
You could start a “Slug-Bug” contest.
sunk to that level.
Yes, what we all hoped had gone away
I was already there.
when we grew up, or at least when our chilAnd, considering the ignobleness (yes,
dren outgrew it, has, unfortunately, made a
that’s what I wrote) and resulting popularcomeback. Somehow or another it got into
ity of reality television, this sort of lowesta Super Bowl commercial and now bruises
common-denominator competition may be
its way throughout VW advertising.
just the ticket to bring in thousands of new
While Slug-Bug isn’t so much a contest
and trendy Signal subscribers.
as it is an excuse to punch people — withYou know ... or not.
out, hopefully, them punching you back —
Regardless, it makes one wonder what’s
it can get pretty competitive. For instance,
next. Maybe we can run a “‘Who Can Enter I heard a rumor that it led to Slug-Bug riots
the Most Stupid Contests?’ Contest.”
in Detroit. (But then, almost anything leads
But where will you find such stupid conto riots in Detroit.)
tests to enter?
Of course, this gratuitous punching does
Oh, please ... allow me.
have its merits. Watching people inflict
First off, The Signal Sports boys and I
surprise pain on others is almost always
are involved in a “Mustache March” facialworth a schoolyard giggle. However, I have
hair-growing contest. Why not be the first
to question the TV ad where the guy eito start such a highbrow competition on
ther threatens to punch or actually punches
your street, at your place of employment — a baby and makes it cry. Seriously. Even I
or in your ladies book club?
wouldn’t go that far. (And the victim wasn’t
We’ll step on down from there.
even an ugly baby.)
How about entering a “Win a Stamp ConOf course it’s hard to be sure what haptest”? The first 10 people to mail in their
pened in reality, but that kid looks to be
entries receive a letter stamp as a prize.
truly crying. And if the man didn’t punch
(Wait for it. ...) Yup, that’s it. And the rest?
him, then some sadistic set grip made a
Neener neener.
scary face at him off camera to set him all
Maybe you could put your kid in an
a boo-hoo. Where was child protective ser“Ugly Baby Contest.” You’ve seen these, so vices? And don’t tell me it was CGI.
I am not breaking new ground here.
And, finally, to cap off our stupid contest
Since it is widely known that fame is its
list, I propose a “‘Suggest a Dumb Contest’
own reward, regardless of the embarrassContest.” Thusly, you, the readers, write
ing nature of it, doting parents and granda follow-up column for me. I get paid for
parents will happily submit photos of
your work. Cool, right?
their mug-ugly descendents just for a litI’m just sayin’. Stupidity is everywhere.
tle scrunched-up face time in the media. I
Do we really need to compete?
guess they figure the kid will outgrow it
Jim Walker can be reached at jwalkand everyone will have a big laugh many
er@the-signal.com. His column reflects
years down the road.
his own views and not necessarily those of
You know, when he becomes a serial kill- The Signal.
don’t take me
SERIOUSLY
