Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 89
ESCAPE Weekly
Feb. 19 - Feb. 25, 2010 – 4
Awake you hiber-men
The dreary part of the year is almost past — and
it’s time to start getting your spring excuses together
W
“fat-tailed doof lamers.”
e all know that winter is
Go figure.
the time for hibernation in
Let’s face it, except for the Winter
the animal kingdom. But,
Olympics, which only comes every four
until recently, there had been no hard
evidence of any primate hibernating.
years, February-into-March is the dull and
However, it has come to light that the
dreary time of year, marked by February
fat-tailed dwarf lemur of Madagascar
14 as the darkest, dreariest point. (And,
does actually hibernate, and he does it in yes, I’m talking about Valentine’s Day.)
dark tree holes.
And, even the Winter
You know dwarf lemurs.
Olympics can set you
They’re those funny little,
to channel-surfing,
squirrel-looking dudes with
with its insistence on
the big eyes.
broadcasting hours of
Now what we are
tedious figure skating.
talking about here is “true”
Now, some will counter
hibernation, as defined by
that basketball fills the
Ph.D.-carrying biologists.
winter entertainment
Jim
Walker
You know biologists.
void, but, no. Until March
Don’t Take Me Seriously Madness or the NBA
They’re those funny little,
squirrel-looking dudes with
playoffs begin, basketball is
the big glasses.
something you turn on, then take a nap.
But I submit there is another kind
But take heart hiber-men, the seasons
of hibernation, one which we shall,
are turning. The first day of spring is
to impress the gullible, call “cultural
March 20. Even better, Daylight Savings
hibernation.” This cultural hibernation,
Time kicks in on March 14. So, not
as we know my brothers, affects all of
only are the days getting longer, but your
us during the darkest days of winter. It
“usable daytime” is getting longer. And,
causes us to hole-up in our man caves,
just to emphasize that things are loosening
from right after the Super Bowl through
up, good-old St. Patrick’s Day comes on
the first day of spring, fruitlessly scanning March 17.
the television channels, searching for
Sure and beer-gorrah!
something, anything, worth watching.
So, after the Olympics and into the
This endless eyestrain results in us
warmer times, as we lamers all begin to
appearing wide-eyed and vacant, just like
venture outside and move about a bit, we,
those lemurs. (Which makes one wonder if
hopefully, will begin to burn off some
those little fellows don’t have tiny little flat
of the winter fat. Sunlight will signal the
screens in their tree holes.)
extra hair to fall out of our unibrows and
Now, unlike animals in true
our pupils will de-dilate.
hibernation, which survive by
But boys, you need to be sure and
metabolizing their body fat, we cultural
schedule your expanding daylight hours
hibernators actually put on body fat
carefully and completely or, you know,
during this period and, truth be told
someone, will fill them for you.
(just ask the women), we also grow extra
And here’s where your kids can earn
body hair and attitude. It’s all part of
their upkeep.
our natural defense mechanism against
More than coincidentally, spring brings
on youth sports, and as the old saying
boredom and couch abrasion — and it
results in our unofficial designation as
goes, “The worst day with your children
PhotoSpin
Lemurs are known for their wide-eyed stares. You have the same look after channel-surong all winter.
at the ball field is better than the best
day fixing a leaky toilet.” Even if your
son picks dandelions or chases butterflies
in center field during T-ball — or your
daughter likes to take the easy route and
score for the other team in AYSO spring
soccer, when you are with them you
avoid the honey-dos, spend quality time
bonding with other malingering fathers
and fool your kids into thinking you are
interested in them.
’Tsallgood.
For those of you who don’t have kids,
but do have wives, things are a little bit
more difficult. You can’t just lollygag
around and smoke cigars on the patio.
That is asking for orders.
You have to get out of the house
and make her believe your “away
hours” are put to some meaningful
purpose. And if you drive off on your
Harley to fulfill this purpose, she is
going to doubt your sincerity.
Now, if you really want to get away,
you can volunteer to build homes in
Guatemala or something. You can surely
get some cigar time there. But, more than
likely, you don’t really want to do anything
useful, you just want it to appear you are.
Well, tell her you are volunteering to clean
up the Santa Clara River bed with your
own, grass roots team. You can probably
get away with this for several weekends —
and if you must, get a photo of you and
your Harley group posing with some trash
by the river.
But hide the cigars.
And, if you absolutely must, you can
join an official river cleanup group. You
can pose for the group photos, pick up a
can or two and then nap in the bushes
when the work gets going. What’s the
biologist with the big glasses going to do,
fire you? Besides, if every malingering guy
in the SCV picked up one or two cans
each week, our valley would be trash-free.
Spring is coming boys.
Get your fibs together.
