Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 88
ESCAPE Weekly
Feb. 5 - Feb. 11, 2010 – 14
Enjoy the Ski Shooting
The Winter Olympic Games are coming, with your chance to live vicariously
I
Metro Creative Connection
The Biathlon combines cross country skiing
with shooting. Does that strike you as odd?
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quite awhile to stop moving, which cost
remember howling with laughter,
him some deductions.”
back in the day, when “Saturday
Commentator Roger: “Yup, those
Night Live” skewered actress
Russians are tough.”
Claudine Longet with a sketch on
(Please, no letters, Mom. I’m kidding.)
the “Claudine Longet Invitational”
Now, to my mind there are two
ski shooting tournament. Here she
Winter Olympic competitions that
repeatedly shot skiers “accidentally”
are exercises in complete
as Chevy Chase and
insanity — Ski Jumping
Jane Curtain provided
and Downhill — and
commentary. This sketch
the jumping is probably
was a takeoff on her trial
the most insane. It is
over the shooting death of
inconceivable to me that
her boyfriend, Olympic
people are willing to launch
skier Spider Sabich, and I
themselves into the sky on
guess an on-air apology had
skis, putting themselves
to be issued by the show
at the mercy of wayward
later — but the sketch was
Jim Walker
winds, with their only hope
freaking hilarious.
Don’t Take Me Seriously
of survival to land on a
This whole incident is
small section of slippery,
brought to my mind every
slanted surface so that they won’t impact
four years when the Winter Olympic
Games take place — games that include with full force. A little too far to the side
and they’re “crowd-skiing,” a little too
Biathlon events. If you don’t know,
far out and they smash into the flat zone
a Winter Olympic Games Biathlon
like a ruptured duck.
combines cross country skiing — and
This doesn’t take into account they
rifle shooting.
There is something oddly fascinating need to land, under control, on skis!
Frankly, I’m not even sure that Ski
about an event that is basically a
Jumping is real. I think it’s CGI.
military exercise being an integral part
And then there are Downhill skiers.
of games designed to promote peaceful
These nutsos often ski at speeds
competition and international harmony.
greater than 90 mph, over a turning,
What’s next, tank driving on ice?
humpy course where they are sometimes
Now, on the opposite end of the
airborne. You have to figure they must
aggression spectrum at the Winter
simply be able to shut off all selfOlympics there is what is called Ice
preservation instincts.
Dancing. While I applaud the skill it
(I know you watch, hoping they will
takes to succeed in these events, I think
I’d rather see Ice Dancing and Biathlon crash spectacularly. Admit it. You’re
probably the same with the jumpers.)
combined...
It is true that (again back in the
...if you know what I mean.
Commentator Roger: “Simen Stenvik day) I used to kid myself that I would
race Downhill one day. My friend
ran a very fast ski course, Bob, and he
Stan and I would “practice” this going
received top marks for his shooting,
around the backside at Mammoth. I
knocking off three skating couples with
think we were actually bold enough
dead-center accuracy.”
to reach speeds of 40 mph or so. That
Commentator Bob: “Well, that he
did, Roger, but that Russian couple took is until the day my skis headed in
separate directions at that speed.
Commentator Roger: “That’s gotta
hurt, Bob.”
And that was the end of my
Downhill period.
Now you might think I’d be amazed
by the crazy aerial stunts produced
in the Halfpipe and such, but I am
absolutely positive these are CGI. The
human body is just not capable of such
things. Therefore, I am not impressed.
And the Bobsled? Aw pshaw — it’s
just a thrill ride. You sit down, close
Zour eyes, and the tubular course takes
care of everything.
Well, that is, unless you are Jamaican.
Finally, we come to Curling. This
sport is a bit like bowling, on ice, except
that your teammates follow your “ball”
down the alley in slow motion. And your
teammates sweep the alley as they go. I
cannot think of a more polite sport. In
fact, Curlers are even charged with calling
any fouls that occur — on themselves.
Curling has been referred to as “chess on
ice,” and it’s about that exciting.
Commentator Roger: “Did you see
that, Bob? ...Bob...? Wake up Bob.”
Even so, Curling is riveting, if only
for observation of some very strange
behavior. But maybe I’m the only
one who thinks so because NBC isn’t
planning any coverage of it locally.
Maybe they will need it for fill if the
lights go out at the Ice Dancing pavilion.
Any volunteers?
So, whether you watch the Winter
Olympics for the sake of their beauty,
the amazing skill demonstrated, the
human drama or the potential mayhem,
you just gotta watch ’em.
I will be.
Commentator Roger: “He’s going
for his 36th straight hour, Bob. Can he
make it?”
Commentator Bob: “No! The eyes
are shut — and he’s out!”
