Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 85
ESCAPE Weekly
Jan. 8 - Jan. 14, 2010 – 4
Turn down the volume
There’s just too much ‘loud’ out there these days,
especially during commercial breaks on television
M
pour a beer on my leg and tell me
y daughter was a little
it’s raining, we all know they’ve been
miffed at me the other
lying to us. And, now, our government
day and sent me an angry
realizes it, too.
text message in ALL CAPS! They say
On Dec, 15, 2009, the U.S.
writing all caps in an e-mail or text is
House of Representatives passed
like SHOUTING, and I must admit
H.R. 1084, the Commercial
it was. I actually cringed and ducked
Advertisement Loudness Mitigation
a little bit. My first thought, of course,
Act. (It still needs to
was to send her back a
be passed in the Senate
response in something even
and signed by the
larger than all caps — but
President.) Better known
I couldn’t find anything in
as the C.A.L.M. Act
my cell phone options for
(you gotta love that), it
that. Now, if it would have
“confirms the need for
been an e-mail, I could
a solution to volume
have bumped the font up
f luctuation, which has
to 80 POINT BOLD!
aff licted TV-viewing for
In the end, I didn’t
Jim Walker
respond, which was
Don’t Take Me Seriously more than five decades.
The act, which was
probably a good thing. I
introduced last year
felt so mature — though, I
must say, it was ultimately unsatisfying. by Congresswoman Anna Eshoo
(D-CA), aims to establish universal
Gentles, there is just too much
volume level standards for U.S.
VOLUME out there. That’s volume
broadcast and cable companies that
in texts, volume in music, volume in
rhetoric — and volume in interpersonal are enforceable by the FCC, resulting
in a more consistent audio experience
interactions, especially as faked on
on a single channel or network.”
reality television. And, while these
Now that little quote was sent
all might be subjects for further rants
around by the folks at TruVolume,
on these pages, today I would like to
who, not surprisingly, offer a high-tech
address the worst volume offender in
solution to this volume fluctuation
the last 50 years — the TELEVISION
— and God bless ’em for it. However,
COMMERCIAL!
I do not feel warm and fuzzy about
Do you wonder why you have 20
paying money to purchase something
or 30 year-old commercial jingles
to prevent an assault on my ears that
and catch-phrases locked onto your
has been mounted by other commercial
brain cells like carbon monoxide
interests trying to SHOUT the money
locked to hemoglobin? It’s because
out of my pocket.
they were hammered in there by
It kind of feels like paying the local
sheer force of volume.
gangster for “protection.”
Ever since I was a child I have
And, yes, we can punch the
known that television commercials
volume down via our remotes at every
are louder than the programs they
commercial. But, really, should it be
interrupt. And, all that time, the
our problem?
commercial-powers-that-be have
Beyond merely being irritating,
maintained that is not true. Well,
Photo Illustration created by Jim Walker
Despite the denials by the powers that be, we’ve all known for years that television commercials
are much louder than the programs they interrupt. And now the government knows it, too.
insulting and less-than-genteel,
I submit that these extra-volume
television commercials are responsible
for a series of medical, psychiatric and
other problems that afflict our nation.
Hearing loss: This one is obvious.
You can only listen to so many jetengine-loud pitches before the tiny little
hair cells in your inner ears lie down
and quit. (And, no, that lush growth
of hair you have in your ears is not the
same thing.)
Obesity: Because TV commercials
are designed to be heard clearly while
you are in the kitchen, avoiding the
commercial and getting a snack, I
submit that the extra volume actually
forces you to run to the kitchen to avoid
the stabbing pain in your eardrums.
Ipso facto, you eat at every commercial
— and get fat. (Those of you who
want to sue the fast food companies
for making you fat might also consider
naming the TV commercial people in
your lawsuits.)
See WALKER, page 14
