Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 81
ESCAPE Weekly
Dec. 25 - Dec. 31 , 2009 – 16
Dodging Christmas
If you’re still breathing, it was a great holiday
I
#1: No one died. This is the mark
’m betting that you aren’t reading
of a truly successful holiday. Seriously,
this first-thing on Christmas
think about it. This is the bottom line,
morning. More than likely you’re
and anything above it is just gravy.
settling back to read the paper after
(But do try to keep your hands off
all the gift-opening is done and before
Mel’s neck.)
you tackle all the mess created. Well,
#2: You still have a family. Even
that’s perfect because Escape is here to
if your kids are whiny
make you feel good. And,
little ingrates and your
what better way to do that
wife hates you right now
than to imagine others less
because you bought her a
fortunate than yourself ?
ham-smoker for Christmas,
So, as you kick the
even if you dream at night
wrapping paper out of the
of them all floating away
way, flop on the sofa and
from you on a raft, you are
sip your eggnog-flavored
not alone. You still have
coffee, let’s reflect on the
Jim Walker
people to blame. And that’s
holiday a bit.
Don’t Take Me Seriously what makes life worth
How are you feeling,
living, right?
right now? Are you basking
#3: You still have
in the warm glow of a
a roof over your head. In its
fairytale family where everyone got
benevolence, the mortgage company
what they wanted but each of them
has held off on the foreclosure until
is really more happy about what they
January. And you’ve gotten really
gave? Or did someone get whiny about
good at not thinking ahead. So enjoy
something, start a family fight and
the holiday and the last few days of
spoil the whole overpriced vision you
December. Celebrate. You may never
had of a perfect Christmas?
have it this good again.
Are you looking forward to the
#4: You’ve still got a job. Chalk
arrival of the extended family and
it up to divine intervention, or just
delighting in the vision of hugs
coincidence, but that timely phone
all-around and singing Christmas
call you received during the office
carols? Or do you expect cousin
Mel to be drunk and nasty from the
Christmas party prevented you from
get-go and swear you’re gonna punch telling your boss what you really
him this year?
thought of him. And then he left, and
Are you anticipating a magnificent
then you sobered up. No harm done.
turkey dinner and already smelling its
#5: Everyone was gifted. Regardless
progress coming from the kitchen? Or
of how badly you missed the mark
can you already smell the smoke?
on what people really wanted for
It doesn’t matter, my friend. The
Christmas, you still found a way to get
point is, you’ve almost survived
everyone something. Tommy will grow
another one. Just a few more hours
into that football helmet, Lucy will learn
to go. You can start checking off the
to appreciate a “gently-owned” Barbie,
goals accomplished and the bullets
and Billy, well, Billy will forge a stronger
you dodged. But go easy on the Jack
self-image after wearing the lavenderDaniel’s or the whole thing could
toned jeans you were lucky to find at
come unraveled.
Kmart at midnight on Christmas Eve.
Metro Creative Connection
Santa works hard at Christmas, but that’s his job. You have to work and do the holiday. You’ve nearly made it.
#6: You can pay off your credit
card. Normally, you charge up a bunch
of stuff on your credit card at Christmas,
and then take the entire rest of the year
to pay down the total to where it was
before the holiday. It’s sort of a reverse
Christmas club deal. And, while you
charged up more than ever this year, you
have the cash on hand to pay it all off.
How did you accomplish this Christmas
miracle? Of course, it was the money
you didn’t pay the mortgage company!
And everyone should thank you for
stimulating the economy.
#7: You got the house decorated.
The Christmas lights you bought from
the guy in the alley mostly-worked, and
though your neighbors commented on
Playboy Bunny lights as “Christmas”
decorations, you know those people are
just unenlightened.
Convincing your family that the
half-Christmas tree placed against the
wall leaves more room for packages was
a masterstroke. You and that guy you
split it with each saved a bundle. And you
finally found a use for that band saw you
inherited from uncle Ned.
#8: You got all your cards out. Pat
yourself on the back for getting a card
out to everyone on your Christmas card
list this year — all five of them. And it all
came from another masterstroke. Once
you realized people would stop sending
you cards if you stopped sending them
cards and, thereby, drop off your list, the
list finally became manageable. Oh, that
reminds you — you’d better call Mom.
#9: Your Christmas was “green.”
Yes, you forgot to buy wrapping paper,
but you turned that into a total positive
when you explained to your family that
using newspaper to wrap gifts conserves
natural resources.
#10: Stockings as stocking-stuffers.
Your children learned a valuable lesson
in comedy and wordplay and “seeing the
bright side” when you filled their stockings
with socks (also purchased at Kmart at
midnight on Christmas Eve). And the
fact all the socks were either red or green
just made it more festive!
So, there you have it — another
Christmas survived, or nearly so. Keep
your wits about you the rest of the day and
... Merry Christmas to all.
