Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 76
ESCAPE Weekly
Oct. 30 - Nov. 5, 2009 – 16
Halloween is for begging
Pleading for candy or a good party, it’s all the same when you are in the ‘spirit’
S
Toddler to 10: From the moment
ince Halloween is the traditional
you are old enough to understand, the
holiday for begging, let me be
mystery and pageantry of Halloween
up front with it right here. I’m
and trick or treating hits you like a sugar
begging you to invite me to your really
rush. It’s eerie and magical and you just
cool Halloween party. Never mind
know all the scary fairy tales are real.
that you will see this on Friday and
Of course, during these years, candy is a
Halloween is the following day. Never
high-priority currency, and
mind that I only have a
being able to collect buckets
cheesy convict costume
of it is sublime. Never mind
that will get dirty at the
that your mother takes
Monster Dash 5K Saturday
most of it away and doles
morning at Lombardi
it out to you little by little
Ranch, and never mind
over the following months
that I probably won’t see
until even chocolate bars
your e-mail until Monday
become “rock candy.”
— it’s the thought that
Ten through teens:
counts. When I read about
Jim Walker
I’m not confessing to
the fun I could have had, it
Don’t Take Me Seriously
anything, but during these
will be better than actually
years collecting candy is
being there (I hope).
You see, since my early 20s I’ve always the excuse to get out, without proper
supervision, and cause trouble. Sorry
wanted to go to a really cool costume
parents, if you think anything else,
party on Halloween. You might picture
something like a West Hollywood street you are kidding yourselves. Don’t you
remember your own teenage years?
party, combined with a “Masque of the
Red Death” masquerade ball, combined Depending on the age and delinquency
quotient, this trouble can range from
with a rock concert — and a cage fight.
smashing pumpkins to TP-ing to egg
Cue the flying monkeys.
fights to, well, things that stay on your
Not much to ask for, right? And my
costume would be something really cool, record for a long time. The fact you
can do it in costume just adds to the
yet totally comfortable (I’ve learned my
lessons), and my date would dress as the fun and, these days, helps prevent facial
recognition via security cameras. If
obligatory, you know, sexy witch.
you’re in a convict costume, you’re right
Somewhat recently single, I was
in character.
actually imagining this year was the
Now, I’m not condoning anything
year I’d really get out there and find
here, just telling it like … like I’ve
that party. Well, that was until my
heard it is.
witch (achem, and I mean that most
Twenty-something: Now you
affectionately) and I had a disagreement
have left the candy behind, probably,
over whether or not she thought I was
foolishly, replacing it with alcohol. The
worth the trouble.
party is the thing, and maybe, just
So, alone on Halloween, I figure I’ll
maybe, you actually find one that comes
be hiding from the trick or treat gangs
close to your imagination. However,
with the lights off — or, you know,
between the cops breaking up the party,
going to Bergies.
your girlfriend breaking up with you
All sniveling aside, let’s look at
(Is there a theme here?), and your best
Halloween in the mind. That’s where it
really happens.
friend getting sick in your car, you do
not remember the evening fondly.
But you did see that sexy witch.
If only your girlfriend would
have broken up with you, you
know, faster, you might have
caught up with the witch and
made some magic.
A kid again: The sweet joy
of taking your own toddlers out
trick or treating is even
better than when you
were their age. The
magic in their
eyes and
in your
own
memory
combines,
and you
get to enjoy
everything again
for a few more Halloweens.
You and your daughter can
even wear matching convict
costumes. Everything is so
sweetly sentimental, and
the pictures you take will
bring tears to your eyes for
decades to come. In fact the
only downer is when you get home and
find that roving teenagers have smashed
your pumpkin on your doorstep.
But it’s all good fun.
Still trying: Your kids have grown
up, and the candy prices have gone way
up. What to do? A guy alone, wandering
the streets, trying to remember it all,
just gives people the willies. And that
same guy passing
out candy to
children —
again, it
just has an
odd feel to
it. So you
hide from
them, or
stay away
from
home
until
after
the
streets
are
clear. But
you know
it’s only a
matter of time
until you will have
grandchildren.
Then you
get to do
it all a few
more times.
Metro Creative Connection The only
question is
whether or not your convict costume
will last until then.
So don’t try too hard to find
Halloween. It’s all in your head anyway.
Oh, and Christmas will be here
soon. Invite me to your really cool
holiday costume party. Maybe I’ll come
as the Ghost of Convicts Past.
