Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 68
ESCAPE Weekly
Aug. 7 - Aug. 13, 2009 – 16
Music manipulations
Create a sound barrier against mind pollution
M
usic alters mood.
breast, it naturally follows that different
People have known this
music might enrage it. That’s why ’roidsince the first beats were
fiends play head-banging tunes as they
grunt through their muscle swells. It’s
banged out on a hollow log.
motivation. Not that their mood isn’t
For sure folks knew about it in 1697.
That’s when William Congreve coined the already altered, but, I guess, more is better.
Going further, I submit
phrase “Music has charms to
music can also enrage the
soothe a savage breast.” Often
woosie breast. That’s one
misquoted, this is a truism
reason they used to use
that few would question. The
bagpipes and drums during
right music can soothe the
battles. Get some skinny
savage. That’s why they play
Scottish lad to walk straight
mellow music in elevators
into a cannon. Well, maybe
— you know, so you won’t
that plus a whole lot of ale.
strangle the guy next to you
Jim Walker
Music is being used
as you ride up ten floors,
Don’t Take Me Seriously in mood-management
gagging on his overdose of
everywhere you go. “Business
Armani cologne.
music” in stores, movie soundtracks, classic
In fact, the Muzak corporation,
rock defiled in cheesy advertisements
which used to be synonymous with
— subtle or not, it’s all designed to
elevator music, now calls itself the
manipulate your frame of mind for profit.
leading provider of “business music.” The
And, with ear buds, now they’ve got us
company describes what it does as “audio
literally stuffing it in our ears for them.
architecture” and, get this, “Its power lies
Ah, but therein lies your defense! In
in its subtlety. It bypasses the resistance of
this era of iPod, you can create your own
the mind and targets the receptiveness of
playlist for life, your sound barrier against
the heart.”
mind pollution, as it were.
Now, I don’t know about you, but
We’ll leave the social and physiological
that strikes me as downright deceitful.
shortcomings of wearing ear buds 24/7
Play me a tune while you pick my
for another time, but, suffice it to say, if
pocket — and get me to hum along.
you do, you can manipulate your own
For shame, for shame.
mood all the time and control your world.
And, if music can soothe the savage
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Photo Illustration By Jim Walker
Music can soothe the savage breast. But it can also be used to manipulate you in the marketplace. Rage against the machine and take charge with your very own soundtrack for life.
I mean, aren’t your teenagers already
practicing this?
Your soundtrack for life
Step one: Get yourself an iPod with a
whole lot of memory.
Step two: Gain access to your
daughter’s music libraries. She’ll have
just about every song known to man
in there somewhere, and the few she
doesn’t have you can get yourself via
download. (But don’t ask where she got
all her music. You’ll only find out you’ve
failed as a parent.)
Step three: Take a week’s vacation
for the project. And keep a backup of the
original music because you will screw it up,
probably more than once.
Step four: Divide your iPod library
into categories for select moods, such as
“I’m Exhausted and I Need Something to
Cheer Me Out of Bed,” “The Dog Died
and Mom’s Back in Prison,” “Feeling
Funky,” “Honey, Please Shut Up,” “Oh
No You Didn’t,” “I Freaking Dare Ya,” “I
Feel Great and Somebody is Going to Pay
for It,” “Call Me a Cab” … and “FeelGood Oldies.”
Step five: Choose the appropriate
songs and place them in the
appropriate categories.
Step six: Now forget everything but
the Feel-Good Oldies.
Step seven: Adjust the volume on your
iPod so you can only hear the people who
are really serious about communicating,
those who will shout from up close. You
want your music loud enough to drown
out any tainted music from outside sources.
(Of course you have to trust that your
songs don’t individually contain subliminal
messages already — but that’s a separate
psychosis. We’ll get to that next semester.)
And remember, there are people who
will selfishly refuse to shout, and they’ll
try to get you to take your ear buds out so
they can talk to you. Don’t do it. They’ve
been put up to it by Muzak, and your boss
is part of the high command. For these
emergencies use a pen and a big yellow pad
to communicate.
If they try to fire you, claim that
the buds are part of your religion as an
Orthodox Tonologist.
Remember, it’s your breast. Soothe it
how you want, free from manipulation.
Now, set forth on the first day of your
new, harmonious life.
