Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 65
ESCAPE Weekly
June 12 - 18, 2009 – 4
Father’s Day, schmahther’s day
I
It’s just a day to get revenge for Mother’s Day
n an effort to give everyone time
spray for rose bushes.
to shop — and because, well, I
And, finally…
alternate weeks with my columns
Mothers get spa sessions. Fathers get
and won’t be doing one next week —
sessions for counseling.
let’s get a little early perspective on
So it goes.
Father’s Day.
Oh, and don’t forget the gag gifts.
To sum up, it blows chunks.
Mothers DO NOT get gag gifts on
Maybe if you are lucky,
Mother’s Day. It doesn’t
as a dad, you get a new
happen. It’s not socially
pair of safari shorts, a tie
acceptable. I even think
or flip flops for Father’s
there is a law against it.
Day. And then you get to
However, no one
go out and buy the whole
has any qualms about
family brunch. Such a deal
lampooning fathers with
— especially when you’d
the most ridiculous and
rather be home dozing
useless gag gifts ever
through the game in the
belched from twisted
Jim Walker
easy chair.
Don’t Take Me Seriously imagination. Take
Photos Courtesy BaronBob.com
The best part about
camouflage toilet paper,
Father’s
Day
gift
ideas:
(Above)
A
Motorized
Bar
Stool
Racer
from
BaronBob.com.
(Top right) the Beer Belly
Father’s Day, as I see it, is
for instance, or bandages
from
the
same
company.
(Above,
right)
Bacon
Strip
Adhesive
Bandages.
These
are
perfect for re-gifting.
that dads get a little revenge. You see,
that look and smell like bacon strips.
mothers go first with their contrived
The best part about these kinds of
digital photo watch, where your favorite if you get one of these, your kids know,
holiday and everyone gets oh-so squishy things is, since you will never use
too, and you have failed as a role model.
photos appear on the watch face. (But
getting Mom just the right gift. Dad
them, they can be re-gifted later —
Now, if you have the best kind of
don’t let the wife and kids put the
has to herd the kids through this and,
just not to a mother.
relationship with your wife, an “open
photos in. You’ll just get some boring
again, foot the bill.
Even so, every great now-and-then a
marriage,” as they say, then you’ve
family portrait.)
So excuse Dad for wanting the same gag gift seems like a good
probably each been picking out your
For the “adventurer
care taken with his holiday.
idea. I’d really like to take a
own birthday and Christmas gifts
dad” there is a scuba dive
Yeah, I know. Good luck with that.
Motorized Bar Stool Racer
for years. Try it for Father’s Day.
in a shark-filled aquarium.
Let’s compare:
for a test ride. And the Beer
“OK, sweetie, I want the blue XYZ
This is good, provided you
Mothers get cards thanking them
Belly beer pouch you wear
with the shebang attachment. It’s
aren’t wearing bacon strip
for all their love. Fathers get cards
over your own beer belly
available at Hoohahs for $99.99 and
bandages when you go in
about boogers.
and under your shirt seems
they have one set aside under your
the water.
Mothers get chocolates. Fathers get
like a great way to get cheep
For the “guy’s guy” dad
name. Just go get it, wrap it up real nice
chocolates so mothers can eat them.
beer into a Dodger game.
there is a Harley Davidson for me and I’ll love you forever.”
Mothers get necklaces with their
However, the beer would
rental. But don’t even
So, put in your order now with The
children’s birth stones on them.
surely get warm fast next to
think about driving off
Wife. Guilt her into getting what you
Fathers get rhinestone dog collars and
your skin — and, trust me,
for good and changing
really want so the kids can give it to
leashes so they can walk mothers’ little beer sucked through a tube
your identity. They put
you. Sure, you’ll still get the handrat-dogs.
just comes out as foam.
GPS locators somewhere
print ceramic paperweight your boy
Mothers get expensive perfume.
You learn that in college.
on these bad-boys, so she
made in school, and a booger card,
Fathers get deodorant.
There are some rays of
WILL find you.
but you can bear it with your new blue
Please, no ties!
Mothers get crystal bowls. Fathers
hope, however. Someone at
The Web site even
XYZ in hand.
get bowling.
Gifts.com must have consulted real
has something for the “geek
Father’s Day, schmahther’s day —
Mothers get oil paintings. Fathers
fathers about what they would want for dad.” Though I wouldn’t wear one at
take solace in the fact it only comes
get oil changes.
Father’s Day. The site has a breakdown gunpoint, your kids can get you a “Star once a year — and get a little revenge
Mothers get rose bushes, lovingly
of suggested gifts by “dad type.”
Wars” hoodie. To each his own — and
for what you went through for Mother’s
planted in the yard. Fathers get aphid
For the “gadget dad” there is a
you know who you are. Unfortunately,
Day. That’s the proper spirit, I’m sure.
X
