Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 60
ESCAPE Weekly
May 1 - May 7, 2009 – 16
Walker
Continued from page 13
good look around. The hedges are
blocking your house number, but you
aren’t expecting company, so that’s no
problem. However, if you squint just
a little bit, the holistic view of your
homestead is that your landscaping is
overgrowing your house like fairytale
ivy — and soon
your home will
disappear into the
green eternity.
Then a sparrow
flitters into a
hedge, and it
doesn’t come out.
And you’d swear
you can hear
chewing.
You wonder
if it is time to do
some yard work.
However, the
Cowboy Festival is calling. You can put
it off for another week, right?
But then you hear it, shouted from
across the street.
“Hey neighbor, looks like things are
really ‘ healthy’ in your yard!”
Busted, you know you’ll spend the
day at war with the plants.
Two hours later, after coffee and
breakfast and television — and sticking
needles in your eyes — anything to
avoid the yard, you clatter to the battle
line with your troops.
Two-cycle lawnmower: Dull blade
and barely operating. Once it’s running
Above photo courtesy;
other photos Metro Creative Connection
(Above) “Don Corleone, the
tomatoes are here. They want you
to sleep with the fishes.” (Right)
Isn’t a lawn just a jungle that needs
a little time to develop? Spring is
a dangerous time for those who
choose to work in their yards.
you don’t dare turn it off for more than
10 seconds or you won’t get it started
again until it cools. But you’ll address
these problems, you know, next week.
Electric hedge trimmer: Dull but
still working, as long as you keep the
WD-40 handy. While “dull” struggles
with the hedges, it did help you keep
a finger that one time. However, the
outdoor extension cord has a lot of
taped-up fixes (where you accidentally
cut it) and it loses juice every now and
then. “Come on baby, just hang in
there one more week.”
Two-cycle trimmer: Except for the fact
you have to stop down and rewind the
trim-cord every five minutes, this works
well — too well, judging by the way your
lawn is shrinking-in from the edges.
Six pack of motivation: What needs
to be said? You are at war.
You line up your troops and address
them like Mel did in “Braveheart.”
“Aye, ye can run. But weeks later, when
yer home, sleeping in yer beds….”
But you’re really just trying to screw
up your own courage. You consider
mooning the enemy, like in the movie,
but remember you have an HOA.
Unfortunately, by this time your
motivation division already has two dead
soldiers, and the battle hasn’t even started.
As you wipe your lips with the back
of your hand, a third soldier helps you
pour out a little for the homies that
have gone before.
Eight hours later….
Gardening historians will one day
write about your epic battle. In fact, it
was so “epic” folks around the world
watched it on Google Earth. And it will
live forever on You Tube under the title
of “Least Competent Gardeners.”
The battle was back-and-forth,
and was in doubt several times. And
thank God another motivation division
arrived in the late hours of the struggle.
And thus, you won.
As the sun sets on your weekend,
you apply the last bandages and drop,
exhausted, into your couch. You were
going to barbecue steaks, but don’t
even have the energy to microwave a
hot dog now.
But it’s a “good” tired, right? You
won the battle. While you know you’ll
have to struggle to wheel the 500
pounds of green waste to the curb
on Wednesday, that’s Wednesday’s
problem.
You are momentarily content.
But the problem is, like in
“Braveheart,” the enemy will come
back. In fact, you can hear the grass
growing now.
You only won a battle, not the war.
And your troops are held together
with duct tape and coat hangers. You,
yourself, have taken a beating. (Were
those heart palpitations you felt in the
afternoon?)
But you will fight on through
summer, waiting for blessed cold
weather, when the enemy goes to sleep.
So remember Don Corleone boys.
It’s springtime. Watch your backs.
