Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 55
ESCAPE Weekly
April 10 - April 16, 2009 – 13
Photos By Jim Walker/The Signal
(Above left) Just one of the many ale stands awaiting you at the Renaissance Pleasure Faire. (Above right) Annie, from Northern California, pours raspberry mead. She makes her living working Renaissance Faires.
daughters how to shoot arrows there, and
that you bruised-up your forearm because
you weren’t doing it right.
Three women pass by doing the witchwalk from “Hocus Pocus.”
“I guess they’re supposed to be
witches,” you think — but they really just
look disheveled.
The “Pelt the Privateer” stand is doing
big business, as folks throw tomatoes at guys
dressed as pirates. But nearby there is a rock
climbing wall.
Huh?
You don’t remember seeing this at
the Faire before and wonder how hard it
would be to rock climb in Renaissance
curl-toed shoes or swashbuckler boots. But
you let it pass.
You almost turn in at the massage
pavilion. You’re sure there were massages
during the Renaissance, and it looks so cool
and peaceful. But, it’s $32, so you move on.
There’s some show winding up at the
stage near the food “court” and it seems like
a reality program in Renaissance clothing
— irritating in any century.
Have you lost the mood? You should
probably get something to eat now. But you
have “work” to do, so you move on.
You take a brief moment to watch a
sword duel and wonder if Renaissance
folk had any sort of medical insurance. A
duelist could get stabbed in the heart and
die without need of a doctor, but a slight
cut from a dirty blade could also prove fatal
without the proper poultice. “How many
pence would be the co-pay on that visit?”
you ponder.
Now you’re just over-thinking.
You need someone to talk to.
The delightful view of the lake, complete
with ducks, causes you to pause where the
dulcimer music wafts in the air. With a
slight buzz-on now it’s easy to drift back in
time. A begging goose eyeballs you and you
realize some things are timeless.
You wander past the area reserved for the
fully-costumed Renaissance folk, “Friends
of the Faire” — where they take their feast
and their leisure. And you know you, in
your shorts and short hair and looking like
a narc, would never be allowed in. It brings
to mind one of those clubs where the guy at
the door chooses to let people in based on
their looks.
It’s obvious snobbery knows no century.
Are you getting cranky?
You need another ale.
The next ale stand offers another wide
selection, including something called
“La Oub” for $8.50, which Annie, your
attractive serving wench (A-rating) says
is something like “raspberry mead with
Guinness and chocolate port on top.” You
pass on that, go for a raspberry mead, chat
her up and take her photo (you know, for
the paper).
It turns out Annie, from Northern
California, makes her living working
Renaissance Faires. You’re a few ale stands
into things now, and this seems like a really
good job.
For a moment, you seriously consider
it. “Does Annie need an apprentice?”
You’d definitely have to brush up on
your nipple armor one-liners and beer-
head jokes, though.
Next door, Broon is eating fire, and he
is so excited to complete a stunt that he
says, “I’m feeling macho. My nipples are
erect.” Then he shows how this would be
told in sign language. “Nipples must have
been big in the Renaissance,” you figure.
“Must have been on everyone’s mind
because of all that cleavage.”
As you move away, you note what
just might be the most contrast-y of all
contrasts at the Faire. A fellow, fullycostumed in blue velvet, complete with
felt hat and long feather, rides by — on an
electric power scooter. You can imagine
the pitch from the Renaissance scooter
salesman. “We’ll get you your scooter —
and if, for any reason, the queen won’t pay
for it, it’s yours for free!”
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