Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 54
ESCAPE Weekly
April 10 - April 16, 2009 – 12
Contrasts &
It’s all ‘Renaissance’ at the ale stand. But you
should never go to the Pleasure Faire alone.
F
You drop $7 for a $6.50 Bass ale —
irst of all, there’s the cleavage.
and get your obligatory “Huzzah for the
At the Renaissance Pleasure Faire it
is inescapable. That’s fine — well, in giver of fine silver!” from the man at the
counter. As you turn to go he adds, “Now
most cases that’s fine. But the excessiveness of
I have nipple armor.”
it all may conflict with historic
You smile, but don’t spit
accuracy.
out your ale. You’ve
I mean, really?
heard it before.
It is well known English
Next, a barker
people sunburn easily and
with a bad Scottish
exposing such a large expanse
accent steers you
of pale skin to harmful rays
into the pewter shop
seems like it would have been
to look at mugs.
genetically contraindicated in
Jim Walker
Another guy with a
the days before sunscreen.
Don’t Take Me Seriously
bad Scottish accent
But… you’re a guy alone
there points out that
at the Faire, and you let that
a man’s cup tells a lot
little contrast slide while you
about him. You look at your cup
enjoy the show — even before you visit the
and foolishly ask him what plastic
first ale stand.
says. “Why you’rrre cheap and
Now the Renaissance period is loosely
disposable,” he brogues.
considered to have occurred from about
You had to ask.
1400 to the early 1600s. And it was a
European thing. Elizabeth I, queen of
There are, of course, contrasts at the
England, fits in there, and so does the
Faire that make sense. The weaver shop
whole “England of her time” theme at
and jewelry shop and really-ugly-glass shop
the Faire. But, as you look around at the
are in close proximity to the guy who is
various costumes roaming, you think to
hammering out armor. That would probably
yourself that
be appropriate in
there probably
the Renaissance
weren’t many
(although full
ninjas in
armor was
England at
mostly for
the time,
tournaments by
nor pantless
Elizabeth’s time
wizards, nor
— you know,
women from
because it didn’t
Conan movies
stop bullets).
wearing
You love
swords, raccoon tails and g-strings.
armor and take a close look at the action
But, obviously, you are thinking too
there. The frayed edges on a gauntlet make
much. You need a little perspective to get in you wonder. “I don’t think I’d wear that. It
the swing.
doesn’t look like it would protect very well.”
So, you stop at the first ale stand, with
And then you overhear the guy admit he’s
the cute sign overhead that reads, “Cold
just learning — just demonstrating. Then
Drynks.” You’re here to do a story on the
you see the handbill tacked on the stand that
refreshments, anyway.
warns of inferior craftsmanship.
Photos By Jim Walker/The Signal
There are lots of contrasts at the Renaissance Pleasure Faire — for
instance the way the queen travels (above) and the way this gentleman does (left). (Below left) Ribbon Girl contrasted with a duel.
Cute.
But you wonder if the Elizabethan
government also included restaurant
inspectors. You know, giving a C-rating to
that stand that puts out dry turkey legs.
And then a woman passes and you
think there should be a cleavage-rater as
well. Maybe even cleavage-prison for the
particularly offensive.
Down from the metal armor shop is
the stand that sells the wooden shields
and swords for children, and you wax
nostalgic. You miss those days with your
girls. And you know a couple of those
wooden armaments are still up in a closet
somewhere at home.
But, before you start a Bass-ale-blubber,
you are distracted by two women, again
with cleavage, dressed as winged fairies.
“Colorful,” you think, “and from legend, so
they really are appropriate to any time and
place.” Now you are getting in the spirit.
The next ale stand is bigger and has a
much larger selection. At $7-with-a-tip per
try, it’s going to really cost you to do a really
good story on this day.
But you will persevere.
However, you wish being a journalist got
you free beer as well as free admission.
Well, maybe in the real Renaissance.
There is Miller, which you immediately
eliminate from your taste-testing because
there is no Renaissance relationship there at
all. And, while most of the other breweries
began operation well after the 1600s, they
are still English or European, so you can
make the case. There is Harp, Stella, Bass,
Newcastle, Guinness and hard cider. And
though you don’t see it on the menu, there
is also mead — and margaritas.
“I suppose the Renaissance Spaniards
might have liked margaritas,” you think.
Jen, from West Covina, is trying the
raspberry-chocolate port wine. “It’s a port,
so it’s good,” she says. And she says it tastes
sweet, like raspberries and chocolate. OK,
check, and that’s one less beverage you’ll
have to try.
You go for the Harp.
You move past the archery stand
and again you fight off a blubber —
remembering that you taught your
