Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 53
ESCAPE Weekly
Monsters
Continued from page 8
establishment can’t even be bothered to
look at it. Why invest in the technology of
the future when they can plunder the past?
Speaking of the past, “Monsters vs.
Aliens” retreads some of the monsters
that starred in actual 1950s B movies:
a blob, the 50-foot woman, and no
end of aliens with towering foreheads
on their dome-shaped heads. Whether
the average kid will get all of the
connections is beside the point; if kids
could accept Pokemon and the Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles, these monsters
are going to seem like masterpieces of
manic personality.
The plot: On her wedding day, sweet
Susan (Reese Witherspoon) is mutated
by a meteorite; just as she walks down
the aisle, she grows to (I learn) just an
inch short of 50 feet, maybe because
Disney wanted to respect the copyright.
Her husband (Paul Rudd) was no
match for her anyway, and now he
really has small man complex. After
she wreaks havoc with every step, the
military names her Ginormica, no
doubt sidestepping “Amazonia” so as
not to offend the lesbian lobby. She’s
snatched by the feds and deposited in a
secret government prison holding other
monsters, who have been languishing
since the 1950s. They’re old enough
that, if they escape, they could terrorize
Teenage
Continued from page 16
offer that thought — and have to leave
a message because, you know, IT’s
refusing to answer the phone.
Response: IT calls back in a few
minutes and tells you, “I don’t have
the paperwork with me!”
And your frontal lobes suddenly
remember whose frontal lobes you’re
dealing with. IT is doing ITs taxes
without having the appropriate
papers with IT. Brilliant!
March 27 - April 2, 2009 – 18
the subway on a senior pass.
Earth is invaded by a robot that
has one big eyeball in the middle of
its head, like a giant Leggs pantyhose
container bred with an iSight camera.
Gen. W.R. Monger (Kiefer Sutherland)
and the president (Stephen Colbert)
are helpless to deal with this threat,
and in desperation release the monsters
to save the Earth. Springing, leaping,
skittering or oozing into battle we have
Ginormica at the head of an army
including B.O.B., Insectosaurus, Dr.
Cockroach and The Missing Link.
With the exception of Susan,
who is perky, these creatures have
no personalities in the sense of the
distinctive characters in DreamWorks’
“Shrek” movies. Basically they express
basic intentions, fears and desires in
terms of their physical characteristics.
There is a lot of banging, clanging,
toppling, colliding and crumbling
in the movie, especially when San
Francisco is attacked by Gallaxhar, a
squid that is the master of the robot.
Conventional evolutionary guidelines
are lost in the confusion.
I didn’t find the movie rich with
humor, unless frenetic action is funny.
Maybe kids have learned to think
so. Too bad for them. Think of the
depth of “Pinocchio.” Kids in those
days were treated with respect for their
intelligence. “Monsters vs. Aliens” is
also lacking in wit. What is wit? Well,
for example, the spirit in which I am
You can only imagine how IT is
filling out the form without W-2s
or anything. Again, this must be via
the magical Internet place.
As the doting dad you offer to
drive home and get the number for
IT. Again, a curt response, “Don’t
worry about it.”
Step Seven
So, at home on your lunch hour,
you e-mail IT the gross income
number, but refrain from aggravating
IT with yet another reminder about
checking the dependent box. That
would be over-parenting, right?
AP Photo/ DreamWorks Animation LLC
Ginormica, voiced by Reese Witherspoon, powers through the atmosphere in a scene from
“Monsters vs. Aliens” which will be shown in digital 3-D only at the Edwards Valencia theater.
writing this review. The dictionary
defines it as “analogies between
dissimilar things, expressed in quick,
sharp, spontaneous observations.” A
weak point with the monsters, and way
outside Gallaxhar’s range.
I suppose kids will like this movie,
especially those below the age of reason.
Their parents may not be as amused,
and if they have several children, may
ask themselves how much it was worth
for the kids to wear the glasses. Is there
a child who would see this movie in
2-D (which has brighter colors than
3-D) and complain?
© 2009 THE EBERT CO.
Response: That night when you
check your e-mail, you get thanks
from IT (for sending the number) with
three exclamation points because IT
has filed ITs taxes and will be getting
“so much” back from the feds. This
frightens you, so you e-mail a loving
note that this scares you because “so
much” back would only be possible if
IT had “SO MUCH” withholding.
wrong. You discuss some numbers
and the refund does seem too large.
Then you casually ask the
question, “You did remember to
check off the box that we’re claiming
you as a dependent, didn’t you?”
Silence, and then crickets chirp.
“Well, no,” IT says.
“Why would I do that?”
And there you have it. The
frontal lobes are in full oblivion. No
amount of loving reminders, nudges
or coercion could ever have gotten
through that dead zone.
And you can only hope IT
survives until age 25.
Step Eight
IT calls and your e-mail comment
has caused ITs frontal lobes to
awaken. Even IT is concerned that
IT may have filled out the form
