Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 50
ESCAPE Weekly
March 13 - 19, 2009 – 12
St. Patrick and the Cullenoscopee
The reason the snakes were banished from Ireland
I
n legend, St. Patrick is credited with to overcome was Caoránach. Legend
goes so far as to say this monster was
accomplishing many wondrous
“perceived to be female,” and “the
deeds, either directly or indirectly,
mother of demons and devils.” Of
and a lot of these feats involved
course this legend may
monsters in some way. For
have come from the
example, the Oilliphéist
preserved notes of St. Pat’s
was a fabulous, dragon-like
therapist, and the story is
monster that is said to have
said to concern Pat’s own
cut the route of the River
mother. No wonder he ran
Shannon when it heard
off to Ireland.
that St. Patrick had come
Of course, the most well
to drive out it and its kind.
known St. Patrick legend
Now, it’s said that St. Pat
Jim Walker
is about his banishing the
was a well known smackDon’t
Take
Me
Seriously
snakes form Ireland. And,
talker and, apparently, the
while banishing snakes isn’t
Oilliphéist was a big wuss
exactly monster-wrestling,
who was only concerned
it’s a pretty amazing feat.
with being “fabulous,” so it seems Pat
Many versions of how Patrick
only had to phone this one in.
accomplished this exist. One says that
Another monster St. Patrick had
Fools’ Paradise Golf Tournament & Wine Tasting
Single Mothers Outreach
empowers single parents
and their children by
providing hope, support,
and resources to help families
become self-sustaining.
April 1, 2009
Robinson Ranch Golf Course
27734 Sand Canyon, Santa
Clarita
$175.00 Per Person
$650.00 Per Foursome
$40.00 Wine Tasting Only!
Register Online Today at
www.singlemothersoutreach.org
Featured Wineries Include:
Special Thanks to our Sponsors
an old serpent resisted banishment,
but that Patrick outwitted him. Patrick
made a box and invited the snake to
enter. The snake insisted the box was
too small and the two argued. (Snakes
are famous for being argumentative
— as it seems was St. Pat.) Finally,
to prove his point, the snake entered
the box to show how tight the fit was.
Patrick slammed the lid closed and
threw the box into the sea.
What a guy, right?
But outwitting somebody who
climbs in a box to prove his point? Not
really so impressive.
And, recently, another version of
the snake-banishing story has come
to light, though it is not widely
accepted. In fact, most historians
feel very uncomfortable discussing it.
In this tale, to banish all the snakes
from Ireland, Patrick had to first deal
with that most dreaded of all serpents
— the Cullenoscopee.
It is said that this monster “seems
to have no end” and that the mere
thought of it can turn an otherwise
brave man into a whining little
girl. In fact, an encounter with the
Cullenoscopee can alter time, as
minutes become eternity.
Now the Cullenoscopee gets its
name from its behavior — driving
deep into the most sacred of places,
with its one lidless eye searching,
ever searching. The darkest, most
personal secrets are revealed and those
who survive an encounter with the
Cullenoscopee are left broken and
bereft of all pride.
St. Patrick’s epic struggle with
the monster goes a little something
like this:
When Pat reached the age of
50, he began hearing tales that the
Cullenoscopee was looking for him. He
found this a bit vexing, as his family
had no history with the beast and, as
far as he knew, possessed nothing it was
looking for.
And yet the tales persisted. The
Metro Creative Connection
most forceful tale-teller was Brigid of
Kildare, who was a contemporary of St.
Pat and would later become St. Bridget.
(Though, in this case, her “good
deed” directly led to Pat’s distasteful
encounter with the Cullenoscopee and
so can hardly be deemed “saintly.”)
Anyway, Brigid kept nagging
and, eventually, Pat went to visit
the evil druid who controlled
the Cullenoscopee. Now, ancient
translations get confusing sometimes,
but when it’s said the druid agreed to
become “Christian” if Pat could survive
a battle with the endless beast, what
he may have actually said was he’d be
“gentle.” In any case, Pat agreed to face
the Cullenoscopee.
The day before the encounter, the
druid gave Pat an oversized flagon of a
potion then would enable Pat to be in
the right frame of mind, so to speak —
and he also gave him some tiny magic
pills. The druid then deprived Pat of
any nourishment. All of this had Patrick
“contemplating his inner man,” as the
See SNAKES, page 18
