Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 49
ESCAPE Weekly
Broom
Continued from page 4
Andy was part of a team sponsored
by Colavita Extra Virgin Olive Oil.
Well, there you have your
explanation. It’s hard to imagine
something less inspiring on your jersey
than the word “virgin.” And “extra
virgin”? Does that mean you are in the
negative in that department? Or are
you just really good at it?
You can see Andy had a lot to
overcome right from the start.
Can you imagine the team’s
inspirational riding-song? It could
be something like Monty Python’s
“I’m a Lumberjack and I’m OK.” But
substitute “virgin” for “lumberjack”
each time. You can see how uninspiring
that might be.
A lot to overcome.
On the other hand, with all that olive
oil available, one wonders why Andy’s
wheels didn’t spin easier. Bet he was
pretty fast going downhill.
Now, first place and last place
always exist in stark contrast. And
that goes for associated vehicles, as
well. Team Astana didn’t come cheap.
You could tell by the huge motor
home that served as the team bus.
And while I didn’t see the Astana
“cheerleaders,” I just knew they were
on that bus somewhere.
There were rumors about those
girls and extra virgin olive oil parties
during the tour, but you can’t believe
everything you hear. Guys in tight
shorts tend to make up stories. And
guys in tight shorts with the extra
virgin tag? Yeah, a lot to overcome.
Can’t believe ’em.
In contrast to the Astana bus, there
is a different kind of bus for defeated
riders. It’s called the “Broom Wagon,”
and it picks up stranded riders during
the race.
The Broom Wagon looks so cute,
with the iconic broom hanging
from the license plate. It just seems
like “fun.”
But to a gassed-out rider, who knows
February 27 - March 5, 2009 – 17
his riding day — and probably his
Amgen Tour — is over, well, a ride
with the broom probably doesn’t feel
like fun.
Of course, the Broom Wagon could
finish backward, couldn’t it?
Now, I’m not saying Andy ever rode
with the broom. But the wagon was
there if he needed it.
And, how about the guys who
finished each stage in physical
last place — maybe miles behind
the pack, with the Broom Wagon
sniffing at their heels? Can you
imagine the scenario?
“Hey Lars, the Broom Wagon is right
behind you!”
This other Lars looks over his
shoulder, whining and pedaling with
all he has left.
“I don’t want to see the damn thing!”
Picture the driver of the wagon, with
an ear-to-ear evil grin, gunning the
engine just to remind Lars he’s there.
Eventually, maybe Lars can’t take it.
He flops in the road and gets picked up
by the wagon.
But then maybe Lars joins in the fun.
He and the other wounded join the
driver in his sadistic chase.
They honk and wave and whistle.
“Hey Bobby, you’re looking pretty bad!
We’re right here if you need us!”
Soon Bobby flops, too — and he
becomes one of the unholy riding in
the wagon.
You can visualize the change taking
place, sort of like becoming a flesheating zombie after you are bitten by
one. There’s no hope, you will turn.
If this rider-attrition went on long
enough, Levi would be alone after all.
So maybe he heads it off — you know,
by allowing the Broom Wagon driver
some play time with the cheerleaders
each night.
I’m just saying….
Winners, losers, first place, last place
— we’re all going to ride in that big
Broom Wagon in the sky some day.
Why not have some fun while we’re
still pedaling?
Ride on Andy Guptill.
Ride on my brother.
Travis Wesley/For The Signal
“Look at me, I only need one hand!” It’s all smiles and wisecracks when you lead the pack, as Levi
Leipheimer, wearing blue and yellow, probably isn’t showing here. But where is Andy Guptill?
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