Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 47
ESCAPE Weekly
February 13 - 19, 2009 – 12
JimBob’s 10 Best Places
A jaded perspective on
where to propose
As told to Jim Walker
Escape Editor
am I waiting in line with you?!”
If you propose early enough, she might
just back out of the deal by the time you
get to the counter.
#8
Propose on Superman The
n an effort to stay politically correct
Escape at Six Flags Magic Mountain.
and offer opposing opinions on the
You’ll get the whole marriage experience
whole Valentine’s Day dodge, here
in moments as you first shoot toward
Escape presents an alternative view of the
heaven…followed by a period
10 best places in the SCV
of confusing weightlessness…
to propose marriage. Since
and then free-fall toward
this is a somewhat jaded
doom. The difference is, on
perspective, we’ll keep the
the ride, it’s over in moments
true author’s identity under
and you might only lose your
wraps. We don’t want him
lunch. In the relationship you
to be pelted with chocolates
toss away years and lose…
as he goes furtively about his
well, just ask any guy who’s
sick business in town.
been taken to the lawyers by
Jim Walker
Let’s just call him JimBob.
a harpy.
Don’t Take Me Seriously
So, here are JimBob’s
Propose at your
10 top places to propose
mom’s
house.
This is a
marriage in the Santa Clarita Valley:
no-brainer. With the economy the way it
Propose at a high school
is, the fact you haven’t worked since you
basketball game. There is so much noise
started marketing your screenplay, and the
there that you might get lucky and she
fact your previous wife got the house, cars
won’t hear you. Try to time it for when
and other vital parts — well, it only makes
the buzzer goes off or the cheerleaders are
sense for you two to move in with Mother.
shouting. Etiquette only requires you to
Show your bride-to-be her future. You’ll
repeat your offer once. Then you can say
seal the deal when you tell her that Mom
you tried and your conscience is clear.
will need her help quite often with the
You: “Will you marry me?”
pumice stone and bikini waxing. Dude —
She: “What did you say?”
better her than you, right?
You: “I said, ‘Will you marry me?’”
Propose at the dentist’s office.
She: “What?”
First of all, she’ll get a good look at your
You: “Where will Larry be?”
teeth, so she’ll know where the gold is,
She: “Who’s Larry?”
come divorce time. Second, make sure
And you’re off the hook.
they’re drilling deep in a molar when you
Propose while waiting in line
pop the question. You’ll look the part of
at the DMV. Try to pick a peak hour
the drooling idiot she’ll see you as soon
and day, and be sure you don’t have an
enough, and you’ll understand the level of
appointment. This will be good practice
your comfort for the next few decades. Be
for the frustrations and boredom you
sure they drill you without Novocaine.
will be taking on. You’ll also get to know
Propose at the pawn shop. First,
your future life-partner’s response to
your intended will get a real kick out of
the stress you bring her, and her take on
the fact that the shop owner knows you
togetherness.
by name. Truth is, he knows you so well
She: “Tell me again. Why the @*&%
I
#7
#10
#6
#9
#5
Jim Walker/ The Signal
Eternal Valley is one option for an alternative marriage proposal. Make sure you show your brideto-be the family plot, with matching headstones that read “Stupid” and “I’m with Stupid.”
you want him to be the best man at your
wedding. You know, like he was the last
three times.
He’s even going to loan you back your
mom’s punch bowl and dishes for the
barbecue-style wedding you plan to hold
in your backyard.
And when you buy back the
engagement ring that your last wife
thought she lost — then slip it on your
next wife’s finger — well, it’s all hearts and
flowers from then on, bro.
#4
Propose at Bergies. You can
have a steak dinner, knock back a few and
learn just how much she can handle as you
take up the microphone for karaoke and
squawk out the words to “Laughter in the
Rain.” Be sure she’s sober, though. You
don’t want her seeing your performance
through beer goggles. (Or would that be
hearing it through beer headphones?)
If you are lucky, she’ll disappear before
your next set.
Now, if you both get up together and
sing “I Got You Babe,” we’ll then you
simply deserve each other and God bless.
But please don’t reproduce.
#3
Propose wherever you proposed
to your last wife, and be sure to tell your
fiancé all about it.
If you wrote the last one a poem, use it
again. Just scratch out the last one’s name
and write in the new one’s name. Who
cares if it doesn’t rhyme this time or if this
one’s eyes aren’t blue? It’s the thought that
counts, right?
#2
Propose at Eternal Valley.
Before you do, show her the family plot
and the matching headstones you intend
to purchase so you can spend eternity
side-by-side. Spur her enthusiasm for the
deal when you emphasize the fact that
everything will end up as dust, anyway,
and that the only real peace you will get
in the union will be when you take your
dirt naps. Oh, and the headstones? Be sure
they say “Stupid” and “I’m with Stupid.”
And, finally, #1
Propose,
on foot, in the middle lane of the
southbound side of Interstate 5 —
because it makes about as much sense, and
it will save you time and lawyer fees.
For an added touch, you could do this
at night. Wear dark clothing. Pick about 2
a.m. to be sure the drivers on the road have
that special, Saturday night edge.
Congratulations!
The opinions expressed in this column are
JimBob’s, and not necessarily those of Jim
Walker, Escape or The Signal. The persons
depicted in this column are entirely fictional
— no matter how much they resemble you or
someone you know.
