Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 263
Eyes wide-crossed
Jim Walker
Don’t Take Me Seriously
Guided by the stereograms of life
O
n page six of this very issue of Connect
SCV, we have a small story on The
Madonna Tree – a local site of interest where
a partially-burned tree trunk appears to some
folks as if it’s a representation of a hooded
Virgin Mary. Now I, personally, can “see” this
one (unlike the Virgin-Mary-on-toast that
sold for $22,000 some time ago) but that’s
because I have one contact lens set “short”
and the other set “long,” so I’m perpetually
cruising in the fifth dimension.
It’s all about looking at things in a
different way.
Do you remember those Magic Eye
pictures that were all the rage in the ’90s?
Called stereograms, they were images with a
horizontally repeating pattern that differed
slightly with each repetition, therefore giving
the illusion of depth when each eye focused
on a different part of the pattern. The trick
was in getting your eyes to work this way,
which, basically, required you to put on a
thousand-yard stare – with just a hint of
cross-eye.
But it was almost breathtaking when the
“hidden image” miraculously loomed into
view, right?
Nearly as much fun as tripping down a
staircase wearing bifocals – but without the
rough landing.
Now, this eyes wide-crossed deal is useful
for more than looking at pictures, visualizing religious icons and turning staircases
into amusement rides. It can actually help
you navigate life’s twists and turns. As
Don Juan says in “Journey to Ixtlan,”
“… this double perception allows one the
opportunity of judging changes in the
surroundings, which the eyes are ordinarily
incapable of perceiving.” Old Don used
the technique for everything from finding
the right place to sleep on the ground to
… well, that’s as far as I got…. But it all
had very cosmic implications, I’m sure.
So, with my penchant for turning things
of import into things of absurdity, let’s
consider some everyday instances where
eyes wide-crossed could help out:
• You’re sliding down the food counter
at that hole-in-the-wall Chinese restaurant,
choosing your lunch items, and have to
make a decision between the shriveled
kung pao chicken and the blue broccoli
beef. You put on “the stare” and, after just
a brief moment, your altered perception
backlights a 12-inch hair looping out of
the chicken. Yuuk! But, knowing the worst
now, it’s still better than blue beef.
• You’re speeding on the freeway and those
dreaded flashing lights suddenly appear in
your rearview mirror. You let your eyes go
adrift, putting you into a dream state, and
the lights pass you buy without consequence.
Well, either that or you keep them crossed
when the officer pulls you over, and claim
you are having a stroke.
• Your wife asks you if her new black dress
looks good on her. Without taking too long
about it, of course, you cross your eyes, stare
at her in the dress, and wait for the hidden
image to appear. What you see is that she will
look like her mother in 10 years – and you
ask, then and there, for a divorce.
• You are considering buying a new car,
and, because the salesman is really good, your
choice comes down to the silver luxury sedan,
which you can’t afford, or the bright yellow
sports car with the oversize engine, which
you also can’t afford. Facing the two vehicles,
you squint into the alternate dimension –
Video Link of the Week:
Old Men Playing with Fireworks
W
hat are the odds that young boys will pick up
common sense as they grow into old-manhood – especially when it comes
to fireworks? Apparently, it’s only a one-in-eight chance. In what must be some
kind of drinking/macho test, eight mature Turkish gentlemen play with fireworks,
and only one of them has the sense to move away, duck and cover. But at least they
dressed well, so their mothers would be proud.
http://bit.ly/Yq9Zvr
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WWW.CONNECTSCV.COM • APRIL 17 - 23, 2013
and note that the grille of the sedan has a
haughty sneer that says it will be repossessed
in short order if you buy it, while the grille
of road rocket grins widely in anticipation of
your imminent death. But you can also see a
supermodel in the sports car’s shotgun seat –
so, of course, you go yellow.
Let’s cross it up, my friends.
Comment at jwalker@signalscv.com or at
http://Twitter.com/DontSeriously.
