Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 262
Thumbprint television
King of the castle in the digital world
n a world that is just-barely held back
from the precipice of chaos by passwords
for your wireless connection, your smartphone and your laptop, and microchip
identifiers inserted under the skin of your
pets and children, now, and at long last,
comes the ultimate marker of territory,
reminder of rule and device to designate
divinity – the thumbprint-activated television remote.
Huzzah!
Because he who controls the remote …
dare I say it … controls the world.
Right?
The sales pitch on this dealio promotes
it thusly: “The system can be used to prevent children from watching inappropriate
content and can provide user authentication for home shopping applications.”
Well, great, but while all that is wonderful, boys, we know the ultimate purpose of
this electric Excalibur is to put power into
the hand that wields it.
Time was, when only hiding the TV
remote in your “secret spot” gave you
control over the shows the hangers-on
in your house watched – well, that or
carrying the remote’s batteries in your
sock. But the serfs in your family aren’t
completely dumb, and they eventually
find your hiding places or, you know,
get their own batteries. (BTW, hiding
the remote under the couch cushion was
silly. The first hiney that plopped there
I
Jim Walker
Don’t Take Me Seriously
figured things out when the TV magically turned on.)
Now the PR for this new device, the
Righteous Remote, as we shall deem it,
also says: “Another potential application
for it is to replace the remote controls for
other devices in the home, such as home
stereo systems or lighting.”
Oh, the power! Now, if your chattel
don’t bow, scrape, bring you beer and cater to your every whim, you can instantly
cut them off from music and light –
heck, maybe even lock the refrigerator
and the toilet seat – and all from your
Barcalounger.
Buuuhahaha …
The applications of the Righteous
Remote are truly unlimited, only awaiting
such time as everything in your home and
life becomes digitally controlled. (And,
yes, you will be able to do it long-distance
from Bakersfield, while you’re visiting your
mistress at the House of Pain tattoo parlor
and tax-prep.)
Surprisingly, to me, at least, our world
already features fingerprint-recognizing
espresso machines, which, ostensibly,
are intended to provide just the right
recipe for “your cup” – and not so that
your wife can diddle with the program
and amp up the caffeine in your drink,
so that you get all the yard work done in
time to visit her mother.
Soon, your remote will be able to cook
Video Link of the Week:
Jimmy Fallon & Jay Leno Address
‘Tonight Show’ Rumors with Duet
y now you’ve heard the news that Jimmy Fallon will soon replace Jay Leno as
the “The Tonight Show” host. You may even have seen this video when it aired
on April 1, while the looming replacement was still just a rumor. As a fan of both
gentlemen and of “West Side Story,” your editor really, really liked this: Jimmy and
Jay “sing” their version of the classic duet “Tonight.”
B
http://tinyurl.com/c45jccn
14 | >>
WWW.CONNECTSCV.COM • APRIL 10 - 16, 2013
your coffee,
sabotage the
video games
your son plays
while he’s
supposed to be
doing “homework,” pour a
glass of wine
for you from
the big box
and give your
mother-in-law the “electric itch.”
But we must add a note of caution here.
Aside from the megalomania the Righteous Remote will induce in you, it may
also open up your world to the dark side.
For example, one final PR note about the
remote is: “The most popular application
for the new product will be the dynamic
user interface. The system knows who is
in front of the television set and it knows
that last Saturday between 2 p.m. and 4
p.m. this person was looking at sports or
home shopping, and it offers dynamic
pre-selection of new services of interest to
this person.”
Yeah, that and a bombardment of madeto-order consumer come-ons.
Apparently, heavy will be the head that
wears the crown.
Comment at jwalker@signalscv.com or at
http://Twitter.com/DontSeriously.
