Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 259
Crossword Purgatory
Completing the ‘golden task’
OK,
my friends, bear with me. We
are going to go “cosmic” again.
But I’ll try to make the trip enjoyable.
Know that the exploration of this topic was
triggered by a number of calls our paper
received on Tuesday about our crossword
puzzles. Various imaginings of what was
happening out there were lobbed back and
forth in my corner of the newsroom, until
someone uttered the words “crossword
purgatory” – and my overactive mind pictured a boiler room full of people, feverishly
attempting to complete crossword puzzles,
with the ultimate goal to complete enough
of them, or just the right one, to get out of
“purgatory” and move on to a higher plane.
This vision then combined with the previous night’s version of my recurring dream, in
which I struggled to complete some simple
but maddeningly elusive task and, well, here
you go ….
A New Career
in 10 Weeks!
OPEN HOUSE
Now, I don’t want to play into anyone’s
overactive OCD, but what if, just maybe,
there is one “golden task” waiting out there
for each one of us? Completing that task
will subsequently align all the misdirected
tendrils of one’s life, the angels will sing, the
heavens open and a life, past, present and
future, will finally make sense. Love will envelope, income will spontaneously generate,
pounds will fall away, health will glow, worry
lines will fade and one will finally be able to
tell a joke correctly.
Well, either that or one will immediately
die.
But, that dying will put one on the fast
flight to heaven – so ’t’sallgood, either way,
right?
Given the above, the ultimate quest for
each one of us, then, is to find his or her personal golden task and complete it correctly.
Yes, it could be relocking the front door
exactly seven times and then saying “Chevy
Chase” thrice while turning yourself around
clockwise. But you’ve tried that already,
right?
Let’s think bigger.
Consider those many tales in which the
“hero,” out of the goodness of his heart,
helps a stranger. That stranger turns out to
be an angel or good sorcerer or Hollywood
producer, who then bestows wondrous
things on our hero. And, yes, the stranger
always appears “iffy,” like an old crone, a
leper or your boss. It never works out that
the “Magic Stranger” is a hot stripper, so
c a l l t a s k s
n
h
l
pu r g a t o r y
don’t even go
i
s
there (though
t
s
I did know one
with that stage
t
name). No, I have
y
i s l a n d s
it on the best authority that golden tasks
are never found where you want to go, only
where you don’t.
Therein lies the rub.
All the time you spend doing anything
you enjoy – is wasted time in cosmic terms.
For example, your golden task will not be
consoling the cute bartender at Islands who
just broke up with her boyfriend.
Forgeddaboutit.
Neither will it be found at a wine
bar, great restaurant, Imax movie, while
Wii bowling or while sniffing gasoline.
Further, you will never find it at a
museum, if you like museums. No, you
must search the places of pain, mes amis,
places such as work, church, political
debates, business meetings, rap concerts
and, yes, crossword puzzles.
Now, I used to think that my personal
golden task would be something like rescuing a swimmer from a shark, or catching
a baby as it fell from a third-story window.
However, as it turns out, it is really hard to
coax a shark toward a swimmer with just the
right timing so that you get there before he
does. And I wasted a lot of time trying to
get babies to crawl out on balconies while
I brandished a puppy below. Babies do not
April 17th, 6:00 - 8:00 pm
NEXT SESSION BEGINS JUNE 1ST
SANTA CLARITA
SCHOOL OF
D ENTAL A SSISTING
The ONLY school with training
in a REAL DENTIST OFFICE!
Start your new Career Today!
Call NOW (661) 799-9JOB
Dr. Smudde, 27450 Tourney Rd., Suite 250, Valencia
www.DentalJobNow.com
info@DentalJobNow.com
14 | >>
Video Link of the Week:
Crazy Saudi tire change
ho says Western culture has no place in the Middle East?
W
Apparently, potential viral video fame is enough to encourage
suicidal stunts anywhere. Here, Saudi gentlemen rotate tires on
the left side of a vehicle – while it rolls down the highway. This is
not something you could practice, either, because one “error” and
at least three of these guys are toast. And you gotta love the driver
standing up out the window. That is the definition of cool and
calm. And there is laptop action, too. Crazy.
http://aol.it/16xzpNS
WWW.CONNECTSCV.COM • MARCH 20 - 26, 2013
Jim Walker
Don’t Take Me Seriously
have good distance vision.
So, where do I think I will find my golden
task these days?
Well, I’m banking on it being watching
“Groundhog Day” 100 times in 100 days
– so I’ve only got 76 days until rapture, my
friends. Come June 4, I’m outta here.
Comment at jwalker@signalscv.com or at
http://Twitter.com/DontSeriously.
