Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 254
‘$2.49-Buck Chuck’
When you’ve outlived your handle
Was the dark of the moon on the sixth
of June
In a Kenworth pullin’ logs
Cab-over Pete with a reefer on
And a Jimmy haulin’ hogs
We was headed for bear on I-one-oh
’Bout a mile outta Shaky Town
I says, “Pig Pen, this here’s Rubber Duck.
And I’m about to put the hammer down.”
Jim Walker
Don’t Take Me Seriously
Anyone remember the song “Convoy”?
Anyone remember when having CB radios
in your car was popular?
But surely you remember the “Rubber
Duck,” country singer C.W. McCall.
No?
Well, he’s probably just known as
“C-Dub” now, or, you know, “Great
Grandpa.” He is 84, after all, and likely has
a little trouble putting the hammer down
these days.
Ah, yes … people, and things, sometimes
outlive their “handles.”
This was made sharply evident to me
recently when I saw on the television news
that Trader Joe’s would now be selling the
infamous “Two-Buck Chuck” … for $2.49.
The shocking news went a little
something like this:
“Southern California’s favorite, affordable
wine can no longer be called by its pet
name, Two-Buck Chuck. Grocery store
chain Trader Joe’s has increased the price
of Charles Shaw-brand wine from $1.99
a bottle, a price it’s held for more than a
decade, to $2.49.”
Yes, vinophiles, it was a sad day.
But, more important is which faction of
the moniker melee will you align yourself
with? Will you still call this hangover-in-abottle “Two-Buck Chuck” … or will you
now request it as “Two-Fitty Flava,” as is
becoming popular on the streets, I hear?
Anyway, all of the above is offered to
emphasize our core topic, which is the
outliving your handle thing. And I have had
some personal experience in this area.
For instance, when I was young, I was
often called “Sunny Jim” or “Happy Jim”
or “Smilin’ Jim,” as a result of the nearlyperpetual, vacuous grin I hid my torment
behind. But anyone who knows me now
knows I’ve long-outlived that handle. Oh,
I still smile often. It’s just that now it’s less
about appearing pleasant and more akin to
the “smile” of a Great White Shark.
I also used to be known as “Golden boy,”
“Stud” and “Mench.” Now it’s “Olden Boy,”
“Dud” and “Stench.”
But enough about me ….
Can you think of some famous handles
that have been outlived?
Oh, you betcha, I can.
Consider Charlie Sheen. First he was “Bad
Boy,” then he was “Warlock,” and now it’s
“Who Cares?”
Similarly, we’ve got Paris Hilton going
from “Star Princess” to “Parasite Hilton”
– and Lindsay Lohan going from “Loca
Lohan” to “Linsanity.” Well, at least she’s
consistent.
O.J. Simpson went from “The Juice” to
“The Knife.”
Similarly, Robert Blake went from
“Little Beaver” to “Baretta” to “Shooter
McGotOff.”
Baseball star Alex Rodriguez went from
“A-Rod” to “A Jerk.”
Michael Jackson went from “King of Pop”
to “Wacko Jacko.”
Similarly, Donald Trump went from
“The Donald” to “The Trumpster” to “The
Dumpster.”
And then we have famous leaders.
George Washington went from “Gorgeous
George” to “The Old Fox” to “Father of his
Country” – which is a good turnaround.
Napoleon Bonaparte went from “The
Little Corporal” to “Waterloo-ser” – which
is a bad turnaround.
And, finally, the oddest sequence of
handle changes in history award goes to
Arnold Schwarzenegger. First he was known
as the “Terminator,” then the “Governator”
and, most recently, the “Sperminator.”
Sad, but true, and whatever will he
become next?
So, let’s all toast to outliving our handles,
with a big swig of Charles Shaw.
Comment at jwalker@signalscv.com or at
http://Twitter.com/DontSeriously.
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WWW.CONNECTSCV.COM • FEB. 13 -19, 2013
