Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 244
The gift that keeps on giving
There are no time limits on ‘mean’
he gift that keeps on giving” is a
catchphrase that has been used in the
marketing campaigns of various companies
for nearly a century. I seem to remember
it offered up by Kodak during my formative years. However it began, this phrase is
firmly entrenched in our culture, and used
to describe everything from inspirational
messages to STDs.
My favorite use of it is in the movie
“Christmas Vacation,” when Clark Griswold
gets a Jelly of the Month Club membership
instead of the big fat Christmas bonus he
X
was counting on.
Clark (deflated): “It’s a one year membership in the Jelly of the Month Club.”
Cousin Eddie: “Clark, that’s the gift that
keeps on giving the whole year.”
And, of course, this crushing disappointment cuts the last thread by which Clark’s
sanity hangs.
Unfortunately, in recent years “the gift
that keeps on giving” has become apropos to
a new type of gift, similar to those aforementioned STDs. We’re talking about computer viruses, and the most seasonally-notable of these is the actual “Christmas Card
Virus.” In this case, you get an email with a
link to view a Christmas card. You click on
the link and the virus takes over your email,
forwarding the infection to everyone on
your contact list – whereupon each of them
makes the same mistake … and the “gift”
keeps on giving.
Although there is a fine line between
unknowingly passing on such a virus,
“T
Jim Walker
Don’t Take Me Seriously
and intentionally emailing your holiday
newsletter (or your humor column links)
to 500 of your “closest friends,” at least
you genuinely believe people want to know
that your cat is diabetic, while the virus’
creators had only bad intentions from
the start.
Now, there are many other gifts that
keep on giving, and some of them can be
given all year-round. So, just for fun, I give
a few of them to you for Christmas:
Giving stocks.
They might give added wealth, or they
might give worry and pain – but either way
the recipient will never forget you hooked
them up with Blockbuster.
Giving fruitcake.
This will most certainly be re-gifted,
either in the same holiday season or for
decades after. The only problem here is you
might get it back someday.
Also in this re-gift-able category are gift
bags, gift cards, gift baskets, picture frames,
cookbooks, candles, ugly Christmas sweaters
and old sweater sleeves used as wine
bottle covers.
Giving magazine subscriptions.
This is especially good if the magazine
promotes a philosophy or activity to which
the recipient can’t relate, like, say, giving
Redbook to the guys in your Fantasy Football League.
Giving unasked-for pets.
Awww …. Nothing says “I hate you”
better than forcing 10 to 20 years of
poop-pickup on someone. They will think
Video Link of the Week:
Bored at the airport
his is the silliest waste of time ever, but your editor applauds the
quirky ingenuity and audacity that went into pulling it off. These
four guys have taken the whole airport-stress thing and turned it into
entertainment. Bravo.
T
http://tinyurl.com/cfcf3nd
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WWW.CONNECTSCV.COM • DEC. 19 - 25, 2012
of your generosity constantly during those
years. BTW, giving a macaw is the ultimate
“keeps on,” as it might outlive the recipient
and get passed onto the next generation.
Giving a bathroom scale.
Buuhaha. Now you’ve got the spirit.
Softly singing “I Shot the Sheriff ” in
crowded places.
It will take days before those around you
can get it out of their heads – during which
time they will infect others.
Selling your old clunker.
All the problems your old car gave you, it
now gives to the new owner … and the one
after that. And it just keeps getting more
giving as time goes by.
Freeing up your wife so she can remarry.
See the above.
Getting remarried, yourself.
What? You’re perfect.
Merry Christmas!
Comment at jwalker@signalscv.com or at
http://Twitter.com/DontSeriously.
