Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 242
To shop or not to shop
What would the Mayans do?
was going to wait until Dec. 19 before
I brought up the Dec. 21 End of the
World in my column. I mean, it would
make a nice farewell piece, don’t you
think? You know, “Thanks for putting
up with my rants. You won’t have to
anymore. Goodbye and good luck to us
all.” But, in the spirit of holiday giving,
I realized I needed to present you all an
opportunity to rethink any Christmas
gift-buying you may be considering –
before you spend the money.
Now, there are two ways to act on this
issue, assuming you believe the implosion of the Earth (or the hot lava, or the
flood, or the return of leisure suits) will,
indeed, occur on Dec. 21. One course of
action might be to spend every last dime
you have, and max out all your charge
cards, trying to buy last-minute love from
I
Jim Walker
Don’t Take Me Seriously
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those you shower
with expensive
gifts – safe in
the knowledge
that the bills
will never come
due, and you
can’t take the
cash with you.
The only hitch
here is that you
must present said gifts
by Dec. 21 and not wait
for Christmas. (Here, yet
again, Hanukkah, Dec. 8 – 16, has
us beat.)
The other procedure, of course, and the
one I am following dutifully, is to purchase no gifts whatsoever. Promise anyone
anything, but don’t actually buy it. They’ll
be four-day-old toast by the 25th, which,
itself, won’t happen.
“But why save your money if the world
is ending?” you ask.
“Hedging my bets,” I reply.
I mean, those Mayans were known to be
jolly pranksters. You can imagine Smoke
Monkey and Moon Head chiseling away
at the stone calendar while they got high
drinking balché – as it was a holy thing for
Mayans to emulate the drunken gods in a
ritual manner….
Monkey: “Bro … What if we just
‘ended’ the calendar right here? Sure freak
some people out someday.”
Head: “Dude, that’s awesome.”
And then they’d just up and walk away,
laughing like Beavis and Butt-Head.
Then, some 5,000 years later, their
prank has us building bunkers and storing
up Twinkies.
On the other hand, maybe the “end of
the world” does
happen, but it
turns out it was a
bit oversold, and
is only a strange
week, say, where
Lindsay Lohan
doesn’t make the
headlines, and
massive magnetic
pulses from outer
space erase all digital
bank records. At the end
of that week, everyone’s bank
accounts will show a zero balance,
and those of us smart enough to have
previously stockpiled diamonds instead of
buying Christmas gifts will have the world
by the tail. So, yes, that’s what I’m spending all my savings on – and I’ve collected
half a dozen quarter-carat, slightly-flawed
little beauties so far, which should allow
me to be the King of Bakersfield, at least.
So, my friends, burn your sick days
and cash in your vacation. Bust open the
bank accounts, plop down the plastic and
borrow as much as the loan sharks will give
you. Pawn anything you don’t want to carry – and spend this fortune on gemstones,
which, by the way, have been of great value
since long before the Mayans. Forget about
gold, as it will just weigh you down – and
no one will know what to do with platinum when the New Dark Ages arrive.
In summary then, buy no electronics
this holiday season. It’s jewels, baby, jewels.
Those will equal wealth and power in the
post-Mayan calendar world – you know, if
there is one.
Comment at jwalker@the-signal.com or at
http://Twitter.com/DontSeriously.
“The other procedure, of course, and the one I am following
dutifully, is to purchase no gifts whatsoever. Promise anyone
anything, but don’t actually buy it. They’ll be four-day-old
toast by the 25th ....”
