Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 241
Aping the apes
Relax, your midlife crises is genetic
recent article in a scientific journal
reported that captive chimps and
orangutans show the same low ebb in
emotional well-being at midlife that
people do. That suggests, say the authors,
that the human tendency toward midlife
discontent may have been passed on
through evolution, rather than resulting
simply from the hassles of modern life.
Also, not from being a big wuss, I point
out to my detractors.
Studies show that happiness in human
adults is high around age 20 and declines
to a low point in the late 40s, then rises
again to peak at 70.
At which point, you should check out
while you are on top, right? You don’t
want the glow to slip away in your 80s and
90s, and then shuffle off this mortal coil
cranky, leaving folks with the memory of
you throwing rocks at their children.
A
Jim Walker
Don’t Take Me Seriously
Fresh & Beautiful Christmas Trees
Now, those of us with midlife crises
starting at age 20 and continuing
indefinitely defeat this standard curve
and should be considered individualists,
free-thinkers and creative genii. But, we’re
talking about the run-of-mill midlife
melancholy here – in short, yours.
Because of those orangutans and chimps
in the study, you now have a license to
whine, brothers. And so you should be
waited on, hand and foot, and your every
depressed thought massaged away with
TLC. Let me be the first to point this out,
and you are welcome.
However, I must also point out one
conspicuous flaw in the ape studies: The
apes were captive – and, therefore, their
depressions could have been brought on
by the hassles of their restrictive lifestyles,
same as yours.
But let’s go with the genetic theory for
a moment. What possible evolutionary
benefit would the chimpanzee or
orangutan species derive from geneticallyprogrammed midlife crises? Well, the
researchers postulate that such might
cause ape parents to be restless, and so
prod them to search out new territories
for the next generation to breed in. Now,
to me, that seems like a long walk on thin
theoretical ice – and the human equivalent
would be like buying a timeshare in
Miami, just so your teenagers have a place
to celebrate spring break.
No, I postulate that the downer genes
kick in at midlife so that the apes buy
little red sports cars and take up the
bachelor lifestyle – which sucks away their
remaining health in short order, and so
they suffer massive coronaries and get out
of the way of the next generation. To back
this up, know that the average lifespan of
a wild chimpanzee is around 40 years –
when it’s 60 or more for captive chimps.
The captives probably look around the
pen at age 40 and say, “Oi, 20 more years
of this?”
No wonder they throw poop at people
for sport. They don’t have rocks.
Comment at jwalker@the-signal.com or at
http://Twitter.com/DontSeriously.
oliday ishes ome rue!
alencia arketplace has everything to make all of your oliday ishes come true!
abulous fashions, unique gifts, toys, home furnishings, decorations and everything for holiday entertaining!
ake your wishes come true at alencia arketplace!
CELEBRATING 41 YEARS IN THE CHRISTMAS TREE BUSINESS
Choose From Fresh Cut From Washington
Noble Firs ~ Fraser Firs ~ Grand Firs ~ Douglas Firs
or
C
Cut Your Own Monterey Pine
NOWEN
PRIXE FIXE!
OP $54 ANY FIELD PINE
95
+TAX
225039
039 Magic
M i Mtn. Pkway
(just ¼ mile east of the I-5 Freeway)
(661) 255-6943
WWW.NANCYSRANCH.COM
Open 7 Days a Week 9am on
Weekends 10am on Weekdays
Pre-cut yard open til 9pm
Field Closes at Dark
Department Stores
Home Furnishings/
Medical & Dental Offices
Apparel & Shoes
Green Acupuncture
Home Improvement
Casual Male Big & Tall Wal-Mart
Barbeques Galore
Lindora Weight Loss
Famous Footwear
Dry Cleaners
Bed, Bath & Beyond
Center
Fifty-Six
Marketplace Cleaner Cost Plus World
New Age Dental
Marshall’s
Financial
Services
Optometrist Mark
Market
Old Navy
California
bank
&
Dunn Edwards Paint Co. Winston
Payless ShoeSource
Trust
Glidden Professional Valencia Marketplace
Ross Dress For Less
Chase
Dental
PaintLogix Smarter
Arts & Crafts Supplies
Coming Soon!
Banking
Michaels Crafts
Office Supplies
Oreck Floor Care
(formerly Lockheed
Staples
Center
Federal Credit Union) The Décor Store
Children’s Activities
UnionBank of
& Daycare
Party Supplies
The Mattress Store
California
Kindercare
Party City
Urban Home
Wells Fargo Bank
Mailing & Shipping
Children’s Toys & Apparel Wells Fargo Bank
Realtors
Services
(in Vons)
Toys “R”Us/Babies
The UPS Store
Dilbeck Realty
“R”Us
Exit Realty SCV
Grocery & Pharmacy
Martial Arts Instruction
Vons
Christian Store
Rising Sun Karate
Restaurants &
Family Christian
Specialty Food
Hair, Nails & Beauty
Stores
Massage
Baskin Robbins
Supplies
Massage Envy
31 Flavors
Computers & Electronics Fantastic Sam’s
Sunshine Foot
Cabo Cabana Fresh
Innovations Salon
T-Mobile
Massage
Mexican Grill
& Spa
Verizon Wireless
Chili’s Grill & Bar
Sally Beauty Supply
Chuck E. Cheese
Wonder Nails
Claim Jumper
Jamba Juice
Jersey Mike’s Subs
Kyoto Sushi
Mama Mia Pizza
McDonald’s
|(in Wal-Mart)
Noah’s New York
Bagels
Pick Up Stix
Romano’s Macaroni
Grill
Starbucks Coffee
Starbucks Coffee
(in Von’s)
Subway
Urbane Cafe
Wood Ranch BBQ
Youguteria
Sporting Goods
Sport Chalet
Tobacconist
Smoke Zone
Vitamins
SCV Vitamins
Shop for the Holidays at Valencia Marketplace, and Enjoy Holiday Carolers, Every Saturday Afternoon
During the Season, from 1:00 - 3:00 pm
December 8 - Valencia High School Carolers • December 12 - The Alumni Carolers
www.ValenciaMarketplace.com
Located along The Old Road, just west of the Golden State 5 Freeway, between Pico/Lyons and McBean Parkway.
NOV. 28 - DEC. 4, 2012 • WWW.CONNECTSCV.COM
< |
