Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 240
The Twinkie Defense
They will survive longer than we will
ou can all stop hoarding Twinkies
now. As of this writing, Hostess
Brands and its second largest union will
go into mediation to try and resolve their
differences, meaning the company won't
go out of business, just yet. And, if Hostess
does close up shop, your Twinkies, Ding
Dongs and Ho Hos will probably continue
to be made under another company’s
label. At least that’s the thinking on the
street, and in the warehouses and bunkers
where these imperishable snacks are being
stockpiled for use as currency when society
goes up in smoke on Dec. 21.
Y
Jim Walker
Don’t Take Me Seriously
The Twinkie Defense has begun, my
friends … and this is not to be confused
with “The Twinkie Defense,” which was
a term of ridicule used during the 1979
trial of Dan White, who was accused of
murdering San Francisco City Supervisor
Harvey Milk and Mayor George Moscone.
White’s lawyers claimed that he overdosed
on Twinkies, and was acting under the
delusional influence of a sugar high. (If
only this defense had worked, because I
would use that excuse for everything from
tardiness to tax evasion.)
Yes, Twinkies are in our culture for
good, even appearing in prominent roles in
“Ghostbusters” (used as a very frightening
metaphor), “The Jerk” (birthday meal with
tuna salad), “Benny & Joon” (Depp makes
dancing feet from them), “UHF” (Weird
Al makes a Twinkie wiener sandwich), and
“Zombieland” (Harrelson takes on zombies
just to get Twinkies). You can view clips of
these at http://bit.ly/T2khj1.
No, you have no need to worry, sugar
freaks, there is major money to be made
selling these timeless Hostess delights,
and someone will make them available
to you in perpetuity – whether that’s
from actually continuing to bake them or
merely pulling them out of the abandoned
salt mines, where they were amassed
during the Cold War.
Aside from stuffing your face directly
with them, there are myriad “special recipes”
for Twinkies – and, as you may not know,
countless alternative uses for them as well.
Twinkie recipes:
Frosted
Deep fried
Chocolate dipped
Twinkie bread
pudding
Twinkie tiramisu
Twinkie layer cake
Twinkie smoothie
As hot dog “buns”
As blankets for pigs in
a blanket
As sushi wrap
Twinkie turkey stuffing
As pork chop stuffing
As sweet garlic “bread”
Twinkie-battered fried chicken
Twinkie-fried steak
The iTypewriter
his video clip totally appeals to your editor’s sensibilities. Think of
the massive number of hours this inventor must have put into this
machine so that he could go old school on his tablet. Some might
consider this a complete waste of time – but this guy will probably make
a killing marketing these. And, really, is this time investment any less
productive than playing angry birds.
http://bit.ly/UL3v7z
16 | >>
WWW.CONNECTSCV.COM • NOV. 21 - 27, 2012
Next week, apes and their midlife crises.
Comment at jwalker@the-signal.com or at
http://Twitter.com/DontSeriously.
Alternative uses for Twinkies:
Doorstops
Sponges
Insulation
Well-behaved pets
Helmet padding
Sculpture media
Badminton shuttlecocks
Neck pillows
Cigarette filters
Christmas decorations
Microphone covers
Miniature foam fingers
Prison currency
As hot dog “buns”
Earmuffs
Baby booties
Video Link of the Week:
T
Oh, and regardless of what happens with
Hostess … you can now get caffeinated
Cracker Jacks, so who cares?
