Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 239
The Attack of the Free-Range Turkeys
Food labels are the opiate of the masses
’m hearing a lot of ads on the radio lately,
touting the sale of free-range turkeys for
Thanksgiving dinners.
Awww.
Knowing your Thanksgiving turkey is
certified free-range is a comforting thing, isn’t
it? I mean, it conjures up images of your bird
flapping its wings as it spins on a Tyrolean
hillside, while it gobbles out “The hiillggs are
aliggve with the souggnd of muusggic.”
And it makes one feel so much better about
the fact the bird gets murdered in the end.
Though he might be less deserving than a
turkey, it’s a bit like knowing Saddam Hussein
got to go jogging during his last days in the
lockup.
Rainbows and unicorns.
But it’s just a fantasy, my friends.
The U.S. Department of Agriculture's
Food Safety and Inspection Service issues
“free-range” certification to poultry operations
that allow birds “access to the outdoors.” This
I
Jim Walker
Don’t Take Me Seriously
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does not mean that the birds must be allowed
rate significantly.
access to pastures or grassy yards, nor does
Turkey walkers.
it ensure a certain amount of time outdoors
Each turkey will be lawfully entitled to a
or the size of the area for a given number of
30-minute walk on a leash each day (or, if that
birds.
creates too many jobs, turkeys can be walked
In other words, your turkey might have to
five at a time). During these excursions,
do the Tokyo-elevator-shove into a 10-footsupervised by highly-educated and sensitivitysquare pen with
trained turkey
100 other birds,
walkers (officially
just so he can
called Twa-kers,
get five minutes
but known on the
of fresh air and
streets as turkeysunlight each day.
jerkers), these birds
It’s kind of
will soar in spirit
like using the
as they get fresh
smokers’ balcony
air and adequate
at a high rise
exercise, are taught
office, right? Add
proper etiquette,
two more addicts
attend wine parings,
and someone gets
and engage in deep
squeezed through
discussions about
the railing for a
Renaissance art
“This is our range, pal. Back off.”
skydive.
and philosophy.
Yet, herein, I say it’s a good thing that
Not only will we have turkeys that taste good
free-range turkeys are fantasy. I mean, do we
… but also turkeys that are holding out for
really want our meat out there training for
management positions.
marathons or pumping iron? Getting tattooed
In this way, these fortunate birds will be
and playing basketball on the prison yard?
kept away from bad influences, such as ravens
This would only lead to tough turkeys –
and sparrows, who exist only to steal French
which translates to stringy and chewy turkeys, fries and poop on windshields. In fact, the
maybe with mild hints of tobacco and toiletonly down side I can envision to the Twa-ker
brew.
Solution, as it will come to be known, is that
“But wild turkeys taste good, don’t they?”
these turkey walks will, most assuredly, stir
you ask.
up all the roaming pit bulls, and encourage
“That’s because they are 101 proof,” I
coyotes to come down from the hills. And so,
answer, as I toast the season and sidestep your
because of this, I also propose our Twa-kers be
question.
trained to shoot, and armed like Rambo – at
Now, I’m not advocating we keep our
least until the turkeys can earn their black
turkeys locked up in “stir.” That would be
belts in Savate.
cruel. But let’s at least eliminate their need for
Oh, and one final benefit to this program,
performance-enhancing drugs. We can’t let
and possibly the most important one, is that
them work out constantly during their waking our genteel turkeys will be enlightened, over
hours. They might get so pumped-up and
time, to the fact their eventual sacrifice is for
hopped-up they would overpower their guards the good of mankind.
and break out. Soon they would be knocking
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
over convenience stores for Fritos, and then,
So, for the time being, go out and purchase
growing ever-larger, ripping open corn silos
your free-range turkeys, if you must. But
and devouring Nebraska in the Attack of the
know that you are part of the problem, and
Free-Range Turkeys.
not part of the solution.
Oh, the horror.
No, I propose a compromise, and one that
Comment at jwalker@the-signal.com or at
will also reduce our country’s unemployment
http://Twitter.com/DontSeriously.
