Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 235
Loose pants bring happy days
! RELAXED WAISTBAND TRANSLATES TO A RELAXED ATTITUDE
S
*IM 7ALKER
Don’t Take Me Seriously
o I’ve gained-back about 10 pounds I’d
hoped I’d passed onto someone else. It’s
probably because of my feeding from the
vending machine for a majority of my meals
during recent 80-hour work weeks. (Just
kidding, as far as you know, HR.) Or, it
could be because my training for the Santa
Clarita Marathon yet again took a turn down
I-Dawanna Street. I suppose it could be a
metabolism genetically programmed to store
calories for winter, or maybe, just maybe, it
was caused by my two-month celebration of
Oktoberfest.
In any case, I picked up some pork, and
the waist of my drier-fried Levis got very
tight. Of course, this sort of thing sneaks
up on you and, other than feeling short of
breath while hunched over at your desk,
proofing tiny type (which you attribute, not
incorrectly, to incredible stress and excessive
caffeine), you really don’t notice the weight
gain – until your lower back goes out, that is.
Am I right brothers? Who’s with me?
It’s your pants’ way of telling you they
are under incredible stress, themselves. (Yes,
pants are plural.) And, mad as hell, they
aren’t going to take any more. A la “Oklahoma,” they cry out “We’ve gone about as
fer as we kin go,” hold the line, and squeeze
the excess, you know, up and over – which
pushes your hips and lower back in opposite
directions.
You wake one morning feeling groovy,
cinch on those pants and, by day’s end, you
feel like you suffered a cheap shot on a kickoff return. And this really colors your view of
life, doesn’t it amigos? Lower back
pain makes absolutely everything
un-fun. In fact, I would go so far as
to speculate that lower back pain –
or Cack pain in general – has been
the underlying cause behind most
Tight belt = tight back
wars. It just makes people cranky.
Now, aside from taking massive
doses of Advil, which really only
masks the problem, you have two courses of
Unlike Joey’s, however, your interim pants
action to take the pressure off. The slow and
should be generic enough in color to pair
healthy choice would be to cut down on the
with a variety of shirt colors. Thus, you can
old caloric intake. However, this won’t ease
wear them for several days and, hopefully, no
things up on your back for a week or two.
one will notice. These pants can stand by in
And, by then, you’ve lost your job and alien- your closet like Rin Tin Tin, waiting to be
ated everyone who ever cared for you.
called up for a rescue at the first twinge of
The fast and easy solution, of course,
lower back pain – or when you start blowing
would be to get bigger pants. And this action off the buttons on your “regular” pants.
is good when you are young and going,
Now, I must offer up one caveat here: Insay, from a 32-inch waist, to a 34, to a 36,
terim pants should not be employed casually.
etc. But, at some point over the years, you,
They must only be worn over the short term,
too, decide you’ve “gone about as fer as you
while you drop some pounds. If every pair
kin go” (or your wife decides for you). You
of pants you own has an elastic waistband,
will take size 36 at age 36 … but anything
and your lower back is still being squeezed
beyond that requires both a false tag on the
like you had an anaconda for a belt, you are
waistband and a phony birth date on your
kidding yourself.
driver’s license.
So, because my Levis are still chastising
So, what’s to be done?
me about those 10 pounds, and because, on
Interim pants.
column-writing day, I need to be in espeHave at least one presentable pair of pants cially good humor, I am not only wearing
with some generous elastic in the waistband. my interim pants today, I am wearing them
Remember Joey’s Thanksgiving Pants on
unbuttoned behind a long shirt.
“Friends”? They were hilariously hideous,
Ahh, the world is a beautiful place, isn’t it?
yes, but also absolutely functional for a
stuff-yourself turkey day. (See the video at
Comment at jwalker@the-signal.com or at
http://bit.ly/17hmGW.)
http://Twitter.com/DontSeriously.
Video Link of the Week:
3., n /DYSSEUS AND THE 3IRENS
T
http://bit.ly/WlbIDv
| >>
hough it can be hit or miss, I still love Saturday Night
Live. And every now and then they come up with a skit
that is freaking funny. Case in point is this one from last
Saturday. Host Christina Applegate stars as one of the Sirens
and seduces Odysseus with ’90s chick songs. Wouldn’t it be
fun to be the guy tossing the buckets of water – or the one
who did the miniature boat wrecking?
WWW.CONNECTSCV.COM s OCT. 17 - 23, 2012
