Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 233
"IRKENSTOCKS AND 4WIZZLERS
It’s the ratios that make things wrong
S
ometimes column ideas are sent to me
riding on cosmic waves, my friends,
and this week’s is a perfect example. I
was adding caramel-flavored creamer
to my morning coffee on Monday, and
wondering what my column would be
about (and coming up empty), when, out
of nowhere, the following echoed in my
head: “Birkenstocks and Twizzlers.”
“Well, that’s an odd word paring,”
Jim Walker
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I chuckled to myself – at first reveling
in the eccentric personalities expressed
by the voices in my noggin – and not,
immediately, realizing the gift the muses
had just bestowed upon me. But I was
brought out of this pleasant and fruitless
reverie when I tasted my coffee. “Eckk,
too sweet,” I sputtered. And I was just
about to dump the coffee and start over
when the muses rabbit-punched the back
of my head.
“Too much of anything is not good!
Ratios!” They screamed in my ear.
And, there I had it.
Even a Birkenstock-treading, hempwearing, incense burning vegan might,
occasionally, indulge in something
otherwise prohibited by the mantra …
such as in chewing a Twizzler now and
then. I mean, absorbing a little corn syrup
and red dye, here and there, won’t keep
one out of heaven, will it? As long as the
ratio of candy-to-Birkenstocks remains
small, right?
On the other hand, if you wore Twizzlers
bags as footwear and chewed Birkenstocks,
even every great now and then – well, that
would be an unfortunate ratio.
And we’re off.
There are innumerable word pairings
that might represent aspects of one’s
lifestyle that, in acceptable ratios, wouldn’t
raise too many eyebrows. And, bam, that’s
one right there: raising and eyebrows. I
mean, if you lift your eyebrows now and
then in pleasant surprise at the things
others do, no problem. But if you have
your eyebrows raised as many times as
Mary Tyler Moore, people start calling you
Skelator.
So, in an effort toward keeping the door
open to the muses, we visit the online
Random Word Generator. And in an
effort to stay on the Birkenstock/Twizzlers
objects sorts of ratios, we select two nouns
randomly at each pass … and my only
filter here is in bringing you the ones that
made me laugh.
Communication and horizontal: If
you test mattresses for a living, you do a
lot of this. This high ratio is OK. But if
you’re a politician, you need to keep your
horizontal communication to a minimum
– or at least do a better job covering it up
than Bill Clinton.
Impact and teaching: Does anyone
remember the old paddle with the holes
in it? Sadly, no ratio of teaching-throughimpact is acceptable these days.
Explosive and compulsion: A high ratio
here is fine, if you are a demolition expert.
But if you need to take Beano to get
through the average day, not so much.
Consenting and patient: If you are a
doctor, it’s normally good to have more
consenting patients than non-consenting
6IDEO ,INK OF THE 7EEK
Got Milk? Justin Bieber throws up on stage in Arizona
T
http://bit.ly/PkAKNc
8 | >>
his is out there, picking up hits, and though it
looks like it was shot through an aquarium, it’s
funny, so here you go. Bieber blamed the brief
incident on drinking too much milk (really?), but
I think it was a just an unfortunate wrinkle in his
dance routine that didn’t go over very well.
WWW.CONNECTSCV.COM s OCT. 3 - 9, 2012
patients. If you specialize in Medicare,
however, it doesn’t matter.
Mood and balance: The more balance
you have in your moods, the better.
Having too many moods to balance,
however, means you’re Lindsay Lohan.
Rotation and vicinity: Usually, the more
the rotation, the more dangerous the
vicinity. And this is especially true with
full-figured ballerinas.
Trendy and hypocrisy: These are almost
always found in a one-to-one ratio. As
one goes up, so does the other. Just ask
Madonna.
Affection and luxury: The more you can
afford of one, the more you can afford of
the other, right?
And, finally …
External and pronunciation: For this, I
refer you back to Beano.
Comment at jwalker@the-signal.com or at
http://Twitter.com/DontSeriously.
