Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 230
The migration of the crazy kittens
Is this some nefarious plot?
y friends, this week’s burning
question is: Just what the heck has
gotten into kittens? Now, we all know
these devious little curtain climbers have,
for centuries, been plotting and carrying
out their mischievous endeavors while
they hide behind facades of cuteness and
pretend to be cuddly. They masquerade as
our loving companions when, in reality,
they consider us merely waiters and
warm, self-adjusting pillows. They wrap
themselves around our faces as we sleep,
so as to amuse themselves by watching
our funny, oxygen-starved antics.
And purring is how they roofie us
whenever we get restless.
In fact, the only constructive thing
kittens do is to leave pliable sculpture
material in the cat box, from which young
children fashion Litter Critters.
But all that is commonplace and agreed
M
Jim Walker
Don’t Take Me Seriously
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to in the boilerplate of the standard
human-kitten contract, as are punctures
from tiny teeth and claws, shredded toilet
paper, midnight mewing and fur balls
horked into your breakfast cereal.
But you see, lately, kittens have
branched out into some rather
uncharacteristic behaviors – activities
that must be viewed with a jaundiced
eye. Primarily, we are talking about
interstate travel.
First, we heard about a Florida kitten
that, while ostensibly napping, hitched a
ride in a wheel well of an airplane for a 45
minute flight.
It did not buy a ticket.
Next, we learned a kitten had hitched
a six-hour ride from Connecticut to New
York, all while curled up comfortably on a
car’s gas tank.
And, most recently, there was the
New York kitten that hitched a 100-mile
ride from Plattsburgh to Elizabethtown
in the Adirondacks, then back to
Plattsburgh – all while lurking behind the
bumper of a car.
The question was put to me just the
other day, “What’s next, a kitten that
skydives while playing a piano?”
But I submit that these journeys are not
mere joyrides, or exhibitions of bravado.
No, I suspect there are some black ops
in play here. Some crazed cat cadre or
triumvirate of feline illuminati is probing
our Homeland Security, using the
perceived innocence of kittens to throw
us off the scent.
I mean, who knows what Machiavellian
things kittens have been up to that
we haven't found out about? Come to
think of it, as I write this, the big news
on television right now is the stink
that people have smelled from L.A. to
the Salton Sea. (And, no, it’s not the
Dodgers.) Some say the odor is like that
of a giant hamster cage – but it reminds
me of how the cat box smelled after
Whiskers lapped up the Pennzoil.
Could the kittens finally be hatching
their ultimate plot?
Oh, there will be those of you out
there, still hypnotized by wide, innocent
eyes and fuzzy little faces, who will decry
my accusations about cat conspiracies.
But really, who would be better suited
than kittens to lull us into complacency,
to distract us from an evil purpose by
sleight-of-paw.
Puppies?
Hardly. They have the cute going, but
not the smarts. The test of that is when
they fall off the arm of the easy chair.
They don’t snap around and land on their
feet like kittens do. They land head-first
and then stagger off sideways until they
run into a wall.
Monkeys?
Please. We all know monkeys are
schemers. That’s why we keep them
confined – because they can outsmart us.
Toddlers?
Nope. They can be cute, when their
diapers are clean, but toddlers overplayed
their hand long ago with such capers as
The Great Jelly Heist and The Painted
Sofa. No one trusts toddlers, and they are
already on the national “watch” list.
So let’s keep our eyes open, people.
And let’s keep them fixed on kittens. It’s
obvious they are up to something.
Comment at jwalker@the-signal.com
or at http://Twitter.com/DontSeriously.
