Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 229
‘Hey Mom, my friend got an iPatch’
Is modern lingo confusing you?
mother recently told me a painfully
funny story: It seems her grade schoolage son came home one day last week and
told her, “Hey, Mom, my friend got an
eye patch.”
A
Jim Walker
Don’t Take Me Seriously
Now, back in the day, such a statement
would probably have brought out something
from Mother such as, “Oh, I’m so sorry to
hear that. What happened? Is he going to be
OK?”
However, this is not back in the day,
but, instead, “these days” of technological
confusion and product profusion, wherein
new spellings maim old names. And so, the
mother in our story immediately tensed up,
thinking her son had meant “iPatch.” She
assumed this was some new form of technogadget that she would have to shell out big
bucks for, so that her son wouldn’t be left
standing alone against the wall at the doodad
dance. (And, actually, it kind of is.)
I mean, the image of a traditional “eye
patch,” the eye covering, such as pirates
favored and wounded eyes may require, didn’t
cross her mind until further details were
revealed, at which time she realized the patch
was, indeed, protection for the eye. Then she
laughed at herself.
But it was an uncomfortable laugh, she
informed me, one filled with the dread of
losing touch in a world gone mad with
thingamajigs and wireless data deluges.
I mean, think about it. When I was a kid,
a “gig” was something you skewered frogs
with, a “ram” was a cranky male sheep and a
phone was something that was wired to a wall.
Nowadays the average schoolboy expects to
have two or more gigs of RAM in the phone
he carries in his back pocket. And if someone
had used the word “gigabyte” more than 20
years ago, the average kid would have pictured
some laughing monster with a Cheshire Cat
face.
So, let’s explore such visions as might be
conjured if current labels traveled back in
time:
iPhone: This palm-sized weapon of mass
brain cell destruction has become so common
that, these days, “iPhone” pretty much means
“phone.” But 30 years ago, if someone had
said, “I just got a new iPhone,” you would
have imagined a novelty telephone shaped like
an eyeball. The same goes for “camera phone.”
And, speaking of time travel, until I did
some research, I was convinced Def Leppard
had been able to visit the future. I fully
believed the lyrics in their 1987 song “Pour
Some Sugar on Me” went thusly… “Livin’
like a lover with a red iPhone.” There were
no iPhones then, red or otherwise. And, even
though I’ve seen the actual lyrics, I’m still
thinking it was a cover up. I mean, I don’t
remember anyone ever calling a “car phone” a
“radar phone” back in the ’80s.
Terabyte: As with gigabyte, this one, just
a decade ago, might have brought visions of
a really mean dinosaur. And one would have
envisioned the spelling to be pterobyte.
Segway: Remember when a “segue” was a
smooth transition from one thing to another?
I suppose the manufacturer of the Segway
transporter was trying to play on that. Real
smooth, pal.
Birth control patch: Always intended for
the same purpose, in olden days this would
Video Link of the Week:
Brazilian Traffic Vigilantes
his video is short and sweet and appeals
to my sense of frontier justice. Now, it
may have been a setup (you’ll notice they
don’t take on a big car) but, accepting it at
face value … well, I wish I’d thought of it.
T
http://bit.ly/T4SPTR
8 | >>
WWW.CONNECTSCV.COM s SEPT. 5 - 11, 2012
have been envisioned as something along the
lines of a chastity belt.
Hybrid car: Back in the day, this was when
you put a Chevy engine in a Ford.
Amazon kindle: Trying to get a campfire
started in the rain forest.
Software: Sweatpants.
Google: What you did when you mistook
shampoo for your mouthwash.
Facebook: What happened when you fell
asleep reading.
Wii: Just a few years ago, if someone said
they enjoyed playing with their Wii – well,
they would probably find themselves standing
alone at parties.
And, finally, YouTube: This was something
the doctor used to insert into your private
parts, so that you could stay put in your
hospital bed.
I’m just sayin’, things are changing too fast.
Comment at jwalker@the-signal.com or at
http://Twitter.com/DontSeriously.
