Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 225
In defense of microwaving underwear
M
an sets fire to home
by microwaving undies” was the headline
that caught my eye the other day.
I mean, you couldn’t make this
stuff up, right?
It seems British firefighters in
Weymouth, England, saved an
apartment from destruction after
the guy who lived there tried to
dry his wet socks and underwear
in a microwave oven. The resulting fire destroyed the appliance,
along with the two pairs of underwear and socks inside it.
It’s a funny sort of story, to be
sure, and just the kind of thing
that makes us all feel superior.
However, before we pronounce
our holier-than-thou judgments
on this inventive fellow and begin
to lobby for lifeguards at the genetic pool, let’s put ourselves into
his thought process.
Now, everyone knows you
shouldn’t dry your cat in a microwave. Whether we’ve learned this
lesson directly, the messy way, or
vicariously, via the feline felonies
of others, it’s pretty much com-
Jim
WALKER
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
mon knowledge that living things
don’t live long under these conditions.
However, I submit that using a
microwave for clothes drying is
not so much an error in itself, but
only a bad thing if you leave the
clothes cooking too long.
Our friend probably got distracted watching the Olympics
on TV and left his unmentionables under the radar rays a few
minutes past toasty-warm. If he’d
have kept his eyes on things, the
worst that might have resulted
would be some socks with steamy
hot spots, and semi-dry shorts
with a few more discolored patches in them than they had when
they went in.
I mean, with good attention
and the right setting, maybe this
is a viable option when your
clothes dryer is on the fritz and
you need to be “fresh” for that big
meeting you are already late to
attend. And, while our hero could
have, maybe, gone sockless and
commando, we all know this sort
of “freedom” makes one a little
too reckless in the boardroom.
I guess the point here is that
guys will be guys, which means
we are rarely hampered by restrictions, instructions, socially acceptable norms, what others
tell us is, or is not, a good idea —
or even common sense.
When we need something
done, we find a way of doing it,
no matter who pooh-poohs us.
I mean, think about it. Initially,
the naysayers told us we couldn’t
climb Mount Everest, fly through
the air or hang beers on a plastic
helmet.
Guys make do and, unless girls
get involved, no one cares about
the aesthetics. If it works, it’s a
good thing. If it doesn’t, we add
more duct tape.
Classic examples include cinder-block-and-plank bookshelves,
red plastic bag tail lights and,
well, duct tape, itself — which, as
those in the know know, is an acronym for Does Ubiquitous Correction Tape ... tape.
And while so called “experts”
may mislead you that baling wire
was created to wrap up hay bales,
that was actually a secondary use
discovered when farmer Jedidiah
Bale had some left over after he
got done wiring the axle back on
his tractor.
Previous to that event, the
product was known as “Warranty
Wire” because it could extend the
operational life of, well, anything.
By the way, arguing about
whether “Jury-Rig,” “Jerry-Rig”
or “Jimmy-Rig” is the correct
term for a resourceful fix is unimportant. What matters is that
they would all be applauded by
Rube Goldberg.
From the old matchbook under the table leg, to wet diaper in
the car window air conditioning,
to rock salt in the shotgun “just to
teach them a lesson,” men in need
have always found a way — and
MacGyver is our hero.
I mean, do you really think
the internal combustion engine
sounded like a good idea when it
was first suggested?
“Hey Emmett, since that
steam-operated piston works so
well, why don’t we just put a bigold explosion right there in the
cylinder? Heyuk.”
You know these guys didn’t tell
their wives what they were doing out in the old carriage house
or the modern automobile never
would have come about.
So, though his execution might
need a little refining, I applaud
the resourcefulness of our microwave maniac. And, remember our
mantra, boys: If at first you don’t
succeed, get a bigger hammer.
Further, Jim Walker reminds
that modern sugarless gum does
not have the long-lasting adhesive
power of good-old Bazooka. Comment at jwalker@the-signal.com or
at Twitter.com/DontSeriously.
