Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 223
Going undercover with the ‘Goat Man’
M
aybe you saw that
“Goat Man” story in
the news in recent
days, accompanied by some
very unsettling long-distance
photos. The original chronicle
put it thusly: “A man dressed
like a goat, crawling on his
hands and knees among a herd
of real, wild goats, has been
spotted by multiple people in
Utah.”
But the clearest photo I saw
didn’t show any goats around,
just a doofus in a white, shorthorned costume sitting on a
rugged mountainside in “The
Thinker” position, obviously contemplating the tragic sequence of life events that
brought him to this obsession.
And I’ll bet his favorite
movie is “The Men Who Stare
at Goats.”
(Insert rimshot here.)
While many interesting theories were offered as to who
and what was involved with
the Goat Man (aliens, genetic
mutation, secret military tests,
Jim
WALKER
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
reefer madness etc.), the word
from Utah wildlife officials
is now that the guy was from
Southern California, and testing out the suit on Utah mountain goats, in preparation for
an archery hunt of mountain
goats next year.
Ri-i-ight.
Did you see that mountainside? No one would go to that
much trouble just for practice.
He was either hunting illegally
or going to great extremes to
get away from the wife.
Of course, he could be
working on a reality TV show
called “The Goat Whisperer.”
(And I hereby copyright the
idea.)
In the follow-up story, the
only criticism they could come
up with was that the guy might
be annoying the goats — and
thereby putting himself in
danger from an angry billy
goat who might give him a severe head-butting.
But I submit that mountain
lions prey on mountain goats,
and this guy might appear as
the easiest prey ever, albeit
the ugliest goat ever. And, beyond that, I submit our stalker
might also be in danger from
a randy billy goat who might
consider another approach to
the situation.
Can you say “Bahh-AA!”
Now mine was not the only
facile mind that immediately
began to work with this variation of the old “stalking horse”
technique. (BTW, I have a psychological thriller screenplay
by that title, which it seems it
might be time to trundle out
again for a re-marketing.) And
the instantaneous plunge my
thoughts took after reading the
Goat Man story was into the
pool of other situations where
stalking in costume might
come in handy.
The first, and most obvious,
situation one thinks of is guys
stalking women in bars, while
dressed like women. But then,
of course, the TV series “Bosom
Buddies” comes to mind, or other takeoffs on this concept.
And in these cases the recurring problem is that, while
you may gather some great intel in this way, it had better
be for use on women at some
other place and time, because
the ones you are now “one of ”
only know you as a girl.
And, of course, while you
are stalking women, as a woman, you are also going to be
stalked by other men who are
not in girl costumes — because, no matter how repulsive
a woman you might appear
to be, guys will be guys, and
guys will wear beer goggles.
If you want to try out this
scam, be my guest. But let me
know how it goes. And, oh
yeah, warn me that you wear
a red scarf or something when
you’re a girl, so I don’t make
any mistakes when I’ve got my
goggles on.
Now, turning elsewhere to
explore this incognito form
of intelligence gathering, you
might:
Dress up as a gorilla and
jump in the ape pen at the zoo.
You will surely learn some inside information.
Or go stylin’ in a bear costume and try out people’s
swimming pools. I hear those
tranquilizer darts bring a nice
high.
And finally, why not put on
a “furry” costume and attend
a fetish convention? Maybe
you’ll get invited to a “party”
afterward. And maybe you’ll
meet Goat Man there.
Comment at jwalker@thesignal.com or at http://Twitter.
com/DontSeriously.
