Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 220
Beaten badly by brutal birthdays
I
n recent weeks, several friends of
mine have “celebrated” big birthdays – you know, the scary kind,
with a zero as the second digit in the
age, and where the birthday parties
are “accessorized” by black balloons
… and where grown men cry.
I have seen these public humiliations firsthand, amigos, these celebrations of decay, these committings-to-the-deep, and I can tell
you, only fools wander willingly
in these wastelands, and even they
tread lightly.
And here I speak of both the malicious birthday party, and the cruel times-ten birthday, itself.
Now, of course, I have only
aged-through a few such birthdays … ahem … as my friends are
all SO much older than I am. But,
even so, I have heard that these
heavier decade-stackers have a
way of altering your perceptions.
You start out at age 10, young and
strong and eager to see what life
has to offer … and gradually get
beaten down through 30, 40, 50,
60, etc. until you’d really rather not
encounter any more surprises. In
fact, by the bigger decade changes,
you pretty much would just like to
relive past good times.
I propose that senility is not infirmity, so much as it is an escape
from it.
And so, just for fun, let’s take a
look at how perceptions change on
the big birthdays. We’ll look at 10,
20, 40 and 60, and see how these
age milestones affect the answers
to certain questions.
Question: Do you like animals?
Answer at 10 years old: “Yes, I
have a hamster.”
20 years old: “Yes, I have a spi-
make it big.”
40 years old: “For my band to
make it big.”
60 years old: “To be left alone.”
Jim
WALKER
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
der tattoo.”
40 years old: “I used to, but my
ex took the dog.”
60 years old: “The cats are my
special friends.”
Question: What is your favorite food?
10 years old: “Mac and cheese.
My mom makes it so good.”
20 years old: “Mac and cheese.
It’s all I can afford.”
40 years old: “Mac and cheese.
It’s all I can cook.”
60 years old: “Mac and cheese.
It helps bind things together, if you
know what I mean.”
Question: What is your favorite color?
10 years old: “Blue.”
20 years old: “Metallic blue.”
40 years old: “Black.”
60 years old: “There are no colors left.”
Question: What’s the best part of
the day?
10 years old: “Recess.”
20 years old: “Midnight.”
40 years old: “Happy hour.”
60 years old: “Bedtime.”
Question: What do you want
from life?
10 years old: “A BB gun.”
20 years old: “For my band to
Question: Where would you like
to live?
10 years old: “On the moon.”
20 years old: “In a clean apartment.”
40 years old: “Where there are
no alimony payments.”
60 years old: “‘Like’ might be
reaching too high.”
Question: At what age were you
the most happy?
10 years old: “Now.”
20 years old: “At 18. Now I have
to pay rent.”
40 years old: “At 21. It’s all been
downhill from there.”
60 years old: “‘Happy’ is a relative term.”
Question: Who is your biggest
hero?
10 years old: “Batman.”
20 years old: “Batman.”
40 years old: “Hugh Hefner.”
60 years old: “Oxycontin.”
And finally …
Question: Are you glad it’s your
birthday?
10 years old: “Yes. I’m getting a
BB gun.”
20 years old: “Yes. I’m getting a
new apartment.”
40 years old: “Yes. I’m getting a
second divorce.”
60 years old: “You’re an idiot.”
I’m just sayin’, big birthdays are
brutal.
Comment at jwalker@thesignal.com or at http://Twitter.com/
DontSeriously.
