Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 218
Get ready for Mid-Year’s Eve on July 1
I
think last year at this time
I bemoaned the fact that
the longest day of the year
(which in 2012 was two days
ago, amigos) begins the summer.
Somehow, in my mind, anyway, that longest day should
come somewhere around late
August.
It just seems wrong that each
day of summer is shorter than
the previous day, as if summer was already dying as it was
born.
Of course, philosophers would
say the same holds true for each
of our lives, as well, which is
probably why any born-dying
visualization is so frigging depressing.
But here’s something even
more bring-downish, my
friends. You see, with 2012
being a leap year, having a
nice, even number of 366
days, the first half of this year
will neatly end … just nine
days from now, on July 1.
Yup, the last half of 2012 will
begin on July 2.
Jim
WALKER
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
Oyeeeee…
I mean, gentle ones, we are already nudging halfway through
a calendar year that will end a
few days short of 366 anyway
because of the whole end of the
world thing on Dec. 21.
Or had you forgotten?
I wonder, does the concept of
a “calendar” continue to exist
when there is no one left alive to
conceptualize it?
But no matter ….
In the spirit of “break out the
booze, strike up the band and
go down with the ship,” I propose Sunday, July 1 be celebrated as Mid-Year’s Eve, with the
appropriate festive events leading into the wee hours, and with
hangovers suffered during a generous and paid day off on Monday, July 2. (We won’t have the
Rose Bowl on July 2, but we can
watch the Florida State Spring
Game on ESPNU.)
At least that’s the way I’m going to work it. Let’s consider
Mid-Year’s Eve as practice for
the big going-out bash the world
will throw on Dec. 20.
And, by the way, since everything will be free on Dec. 20 because everyone knows “you can’t
take it with you,” if you haven’t
already, the mid-year would be
a good time to start looting your
savings accounts, racking up
the charge cards and purchasing
world’s-end prayers from RentA-Monk, where the motto is “All
the money belongs to God: It just
gets recycled.”
FYI, in that spirit of recycling
money, you can purchase prayers
much cheaper at my helpful website – you know, once one of you
faithful provides the cash to get
it up and operational. But for
now, just know it is www.Jim-
Pleads4U.
Here you will receive the benefit of our vast experience. We
are constantly discovering and
cataloguing the word sequences and prayer techniques that do
not work, and we avoid that everexpanding category, so our odds
of hitting a bull’s-eye for you are
much higher than those of the
average prayer factory.
Oh, and in that same vein, we
also offer discounts on our sineating services, because, well,
everything you provide has to be
gluten-free and high-fiber.
But get on this now because,
as it we get closer to Dec. 20,
we expect pretty high volume.
And, truthfully, during the entire month of December our staff
will be in Cancun “praying for”
early subscribers.
Getting back to Mid-Year’s
Eve, now would also be a good
time for you to get back on track
with your 2012 New Year’s and
World End resolutions.
I mean, Dec. 20 will be far
too late to accomplish anything
wholesome. Of course, if your
interests lean toward the unwholesome, well, you and I can
probably wait until the last minute, if need be.
Now is also a good time to
push toward the completion of
the tasks on your bucket list. I
mean, all of the sky-diving services, bungee-jumping operations and learn-to-be-a-clown
schools are going to be booked
up later in the year.
Now is the time to push toward the finish of your novel and
mail it soon to 100 publishing
houses. Who cares if they don’t
like it? You will have finished it,
and at least 100 assistants to the
assistant editor will have read it,
which is enough success when
the world is toast.
My friends, consider MidYear’s Eve as a day to take stock
and cash in stocks, to re-analyze
and revitalize, to pre-pray and
par-tay. The clock is ticking.
Comment at jwalker@the-signal.com or at http://Twitter.com/
DontSeriously.
