Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 215
Fair-weather fandom an easy win
M
y friends, I have joined
the parade, jumped on
the bandwagon and swallowed at least a spoonful of the
Kool-Aid. I now call myself a
“Kings fan” – you know, for the
next few days, anyway.
Yes, I hereby and openly admit I
am a fair-weather fan.
As I did once in the past, I again
root heartily for the Los Angeles
Kings in the hockey playoffs ... the
same way I do for the Ducks, Lakers, Dodgers, Angels, Galaxy and
Chivas USA (those last two are
soccer, by the way) whenever they
make it that far.
Now, the Clippers I just feel sorry for. The Raiders — well, I’m
glad they’re gone despite the fact
they left us without a pro football
team. What’s up with that, anyway?
But, getting back to the point, not
only do I expose myself as a multisport opportunist and bandwagon
hopper, I am proud of it. I believe
being such shows great intelligence
and efficiency.
Consider ....
The Dodgers play, like, 160
games this regular season. Who
could possibly have that much
free time to watch live or televised
sporting events? I mean, even Vin
Scully is pulling back these days.
(And, please, no hate emails. I
totally admire the Vinster and I’m
glad he’s still part of the show. I kid
because I love.)
Aside from the time commitment, and even though the Boys in
Blue ticket prices are low compared
to some other sports teams around
town, when you figure in the gas it
takes to get there, the cost of parking and the pricey face-stuffing
that any sports-game attendance requires, you practically need to have
a job at Dodger Stadium to attend
games there regularly.
Similarly, the Lakers have some
40 games in the regular season,
Jim
WALKER
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
ticket prices for home games at Staples Center can be “cost-prohibitive,” to say the least, and don’t
even think about buying a beer
there.
Likewise, the Kings have 40some games and also play their
home games at Staples.
So considering the incredible
time and financial commitments
required, you basically have to be
unemployed and independently
wealthy to be a “true” fan of a professional sports team in Los Angeles.
And that’s before the playoffs.
Unless you are a multimillionaire, buying into the playoffs at the
last minute is insane. I saw on the
TV news that people were buying scalped tickets to Wednesday’s
Kings game for, like, $1,400 each —
and these tickets weren’t even real!
And we haven’t even discussed
traffic.
The few regular season games
I have attended in recent years for
any professional sports teams have
found me bounding for the parking
lot, pushing old ladies and small
children out of the way, the minute
the course of the game was clear.
Everyone knows that if you beat
the crowd out of the venue, you
beat the traffic. Just don’t trip on
your run out because you will be
trampled.
And the traffic for playoff games
is many times worse.
I mean, traffic costs time and
time is money, right? And stress
from traffic also takes a tremen-
dous toll on bodies and personal relationships.
In this, I am the personification of an L.A. fan. I mean, if you
look up the derogatory meaning of
“L.A. fan” in the dictionary, you
will see my picture ... taken by a
red-light camera as I run an intersection trying to get away from
Dodger Stadium at the end of the
seventh inning.
Nope, my playoff commitment
to any sports team is a television
commitment. And that does not include pay-per-view. If the ads I ignore don’t pay for the game to be
televised, I play with my flea circus instead.
But you ask me, “Jim, buddy, as
a playoff-only fan, how involved
can you really be with any team?
How could the results mean much
to you?”
The truth is, I can become a devoted and wholeheartedly enthusiastic fan of any team in short order.
I mean, I can do it for any random
team when I turn on any sporting
event on television.
I just choose the underdog and,
instantly, I have full motivation and
an ax to grind.
“Kill those lousy ... What are
they called again?”
You see, this is the true genius
of the fair-weather fan. Sports were
made up to absorb the emotional investment we would otherwise
place in war.
And with apologies to those true
fans who would tar and feather me
for saying so, any sporting event
is just a will-o’-the-wisp — and
meaningless in the overall scheme
of things. So I invest my emotions
wisely and temporarily, and live to
invest again.
Oh, and it saves on drywall repairs, too.
Go, Kings!
Comment at jwalker@thesignal.com or at www.Twitter.com/
DontSeriously.
