Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 210
SHE SAID/HE HEARD
When it comes to Mother’s Day,
women and men speak different languages
By Jim Walker
Don’t Take Me Seriously
A
s this is the May edition
of Parent Times, it seems
appropriate to note that
one of the year’s most dreaded
holidays – at least from a guy’s
perspective – lurks in this month.
And we are not talking about May
Day, when we guys are forced
to wear flowers in our hair and
dance around maypoles while
winding colorful ribbons into intricate patterns. No, the real guyfeared holiday is Mother’s Day,
when what can go wrong will,
and what shouldn’t will, as well.
Now, understand, guys love
their mothers dearly, and so have
nothing but the highest motives
when it comes to honoring all
that their mothers have done
for them by showering these
matriarchs with cheap cards and
fattening candy. Conversely, guys
have nothing but the most selfish
of motives in doing the same
things for their wives. Though
these gifts ostensibly come from
“the children,” the idea here is
to keep the ladies feeling loved,
which directly translates into
longer leashes on our personal
freedoms and self-indulgences –
you know, like “tying flies” in our
man caves (nudge, nudge, wink,
wink).
It’s win-win.
But Mother’s Day will go
wrong, regardless of our most
altruistic motives. You see, statistics indicate that, when it comes
to Mother’s Day gift purchases,
guys, by and large, will get
something inappropriate. Unless
our wives give us the exact item
and model number for an online
purchase (and sometimes even
then) we will get it wrong.
The problem arises in the
transfer of data between our
ears and our credit cards. Somewhere in the “ah ha” lobe of the
brain, shespeak gets turned into
hespeak.
What she said becomes what
we think she said. And God help
us if she doesn’t tell us what she
wants to begin with. That’s the
equivalent of giving a loaded
pistol to a toddler. Something bad
is gonna happen.
Here are just three examples:
She: says she wants a
new toaster.
You: give her a toaster.
The problem: You’re a dolt.
She wants a toaster and a day at
the spa. And she wants you to get
up in the morning and make the
toast.
She: says she wants more
help from you around
the house.
You: craft loving and
handmade IOUs for services to
be rendered (cleverly hoping to
dodge these honeydos before
you have to do ’em).
The problem: You have wishful
Alzheimer’s. She has a stack of
these unfulfilled guy-bonds from
you, dating back to 1985. Oh, and
she really wants a day at the spa.
She: says she wants to
try new activities and meet
new people.
You: introduce her to
that good looking guy who
teaches tennis.
The problem: You’re a dolt.
That’s exactly what she wants –
and you will soon have a terrifically long leash. You will also be
paying alimony and child support,
living in a studio apartment and
driving a beater Maverick.
You see, it’s all in the translation.
Happy Mother’s Day!
Jim Walker is the Escape Editor at The Signal, and his Don’t Take Me Seriously humor columns appear in The Signal every
Friday as well. The thoughts expressed here are just for fun and, definitely, not to be taken seriously.
3#6 0ARENT 4IMES s -AY
|9
