Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 205
Featured commentary
Days of pink slime and soylent green
B
y now, most of you out
there have become aware
of the “pink slime” crisis
regarding our nation’s beef supply,
particularly as it relates to school
lunches.
But for those others, here’s a
little background: Pink slime, as it
has been affectionately nicknamed,
is “lean, finely textured beef”
derived from “trimmings” that
have been mechanically stripped
of their fat and treated with
ammonium hydroxide (you know,
like they use in window cleaner) to
destroy any pathogens that may be
found in the material.
Yum.
And it kinda looks like
strawberry soft ice cream.
I read that, of the 117 million
pounds of beef ordered nationally
for the school lunch program last
year, 6 percent was this stuff,
which gets blended into other
ground beef. But any given final
beef product sent to schools was
Jim
WALKER
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
composed of no more than 15
percent pink slime.
Well, that’s a relief.
We are told that pink slime is a
harmless, nutritious, low-fat, costcutting additive, and I will leave
the analysis to you … you know,
after I gag … and after I note that
we are one huge step closer to
soylent green, my friends.
Now, most of you of a certain
age will be familiar with soylent
green. But for those others, I will
summarize. As Charlton Heston
shouts while he’s being carted
away in the 1973 movie of the
same name: “Soylent green is
people!”
(More specifically, it’s Edward
G. Robinson, who, by the way,
never made a movie after that, so
you do the math.)
At the end of the film, we find
out those little green wafers,
supposed to be made from
plankton, are actually being made
from the surplus human population
— effectively turning all who eat
soylent green into cannibals.
Powerful stuff.
Oh, and by the way, the time
period for these fictional events was
2022. In ’73, that seemed like a long
way off. But it doesn’t anymore,
does it? Especially when we are
already eating pink slime … and
taking “their” word for what it is.
Yeah, cue the scary music.
But here, I submit that there is a
better way to make use of people.
It requires a little more patience
than collecting them alive in giant
scooper trucks and hauling them
off to the processing plant, but it’s
a little less intrusive and a lot more
“green.”
I use myself as an example.
I have volunteered my nondonate-able body parts to be used,
upon my death, as fertilizer at a
nearby organic vegetable farm.
In this way, I will not use up any
valuable real estate as burial space,
nor waste any fossil fuels in my
cremation. Further, my remains
will help feed those of you who
survive me.
You are welcome, and, yes, I
have always been a giver.
And it just doesn’t carry the
same scare factor for someone
to shout “Tomatoes are people!”
Right?
This is the high road, folks.
There is a big difference between
my method of providing nutrients
to y’all and some sketchy food
substance that is chemically altered
and made from … well … who you
gonna believe?
You see, microbes and
earthworms and such will break
me down, and plants will absorb
me as pure and simple nutrients
… except, that is, for all the
heavy metals I have acquired
over the years.
I mean, in my time I have
melted lead for scuba weights and
inhaled the fumes. I have chewed
some paint and played with liquid
mercury in my bare palms. And I
have eaten those little silver balls
on cake frosting and swallowed the
occasional shot of Goldschlager.
And while all the above
probably accounts for my eccentric
“creativity,” these metals may not
have the same beneficial effect on
you.
But really, should you eat an
ear of corn grown on the field of
my last repose, how much toxic
substance will you actually ingest?
Piffle, I say.
In the meantime, I’m staying
away from pink slime. You will
thank me for it someday when
you are at the organic vegetable
counter.
Comment at jwalker@thesignal.com or at http://Twitter.com/
DontSeriously.
