Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 201
Featured commentary
The art and science of butt dialing
M
y outdated cellphone
does this annoying
thing in which, after
a short period of inactivity, it
locks up, and I have to press a
release button, quickly followed
by pressing “OK,” before I can
make a call, send a text or check
anything. As I said, it is annoying,
but it has also, I figure, prevented
me from ever making a butt dial
— even though I quite often sit on
the phone while it is in my back
pocket.
On the other hand, I have been
the recipient of numerous butt
dials — some legitimate accidents
and others, I believe, artfully
calculated for effect.
Now I will explain what I mean
by that in a moment, but first a
little science:
The butt dial, aka pocket dial,
aka purse dial, aka doofus dial, is
what happens when a cellphone is
accidentally activated and makes
a call when the phone’s owner is
they can also be used to track
Jim and
your movements.
the recipient of a butt
WALKER dialNow,
can only hang up to end it.
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
unaware of it. Usually, all that can
be heard by those answering such
calls is random noise and static,
with mumbling, traffic or tinny
music in the background.
However, at other times,
conversation comes through quite
well, with those speaking oblivious
to the fact they are being overheard.
This can be boring for the
eavesdropper when the conversation
is mundane, good fun when the
conversation is revealingly personal
— and deadly for the speaker
when he is overheard by his wife
or girlfriend while he is in flagrant
cheat-a-cheat.
And this latter happens all the
time.
Cheaters, you must realize
cellphones are agents of karma —
Shouting “Hello! Hello! Hey, you’re
butt dialing me, you moron!”
never works. Worse yet is getting
a 20-minute message left on your
end that eats up your allowed usage
and sounds like a conversation held
under the Cone of Silence in the
Chief’s office at Control.
Of course, they have apps and
locks and all kinds of trickeration
designed to prevent your phone
from butt dialing, but the simple
fact is, careless people butt dial,
and those same people don’t value
your time enough to bother to use
the locks or apps.
Now cellphones can also butt
text, I hear, and God help you if
your phone butt texts with autocomplete. In fact, some phones
have been known to go rogue and
send out multiple calls and texts
and even download data, all on
their own.
But are these really accidents,
or examples of the rise of the
machines?
OK, so much for the science of
butt dialing.
Now, briefly, for the
aforementioned art.
I am convinced that not all butt
dials are accidental. I mean, a
butt dial is the safest way to get
a response from someone you
want to make call you first. They
respond and you say “Oh, I’m so
sorry, I didn’t mean to call you —
but since you called me, how are
you?” and so on. It gives you the
upper hand in a relationship when
you don’t deserve it.
And then there is the “kidding
yourself” butt dial. You see, it is
well known the person called by a
butt dial is usually the last person
the caller had a conversation with.
So, is it really logical you were
butt dialed by that girl you hadn’t
spoken to in a month? I mean,
she called no one else during
that time? Oh, come on. What
she probably did was punch your
number up, then chicken out on
calling you. That left your number
as the most recent one and so,
natch, her next butt dial went
to you. But still she can claim
innocence.
And then there is the deliberate
butt dial. This is used when
you want the call recipient
to “accidentally” overhear a
conversation. This can be used for
such things as getting someone to
break up with you, getting your
boss to believe you actually like
him, playacting an alibi or to clue
that guy in Cubicle 2 into the fact
he has horrible halitosis. And
all without actual interaction or
confrontation.
I’m telling you, butt dialing is
an art.
Comment at jwalker@thesignal.com or at http://Twitter.
com/DontSeriously.
