Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 199
The beach — no place to play around
M
y friends, we can all sleep
easier on L.A.’s beaches
this summer knowing we
are protected from death by Frisbee.
And, further, we will be protected
from death by football, as well as
from self-entombment.
Now, just in case you hadn’t heard
about it, last week the Los Angeles
County Board of Supervisors
implemented a tiered series of
fines for anyone caught throwing a
football or Frisbee on any beach in
Los Angeles County.
Digging a hole in the sand deeper
Walker
Continued from A1
the digging restrictions,
because several doofi
have, in recent years,
buried themselves alive
by digging too far down
in the sand. But what
happens if your toddler
excavates one plastic
shovelful too deep? Will
the beach police stick a
ruler in the hole and then
write you, the obviouslynegligent parent, a ticket?
But back to Frisbees. I
did my due diligence by
Googling “Frisbee injuries
on Los Angeles County
beaches.” And, as far as
I dug, all I came across
was howl after howl about
what a dumb idea it was for
the supervisors to ban the
tossing of the discs. Nowhere
could I find what must have
been the horrifying numbers
of hospitalizations, blindings
and deaths resulting from
these weapons of mass
destruction falling out of
the sky. I got similar results
Googling “football injuries
Jim
WALKER
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
than 18 inches was also prohibited
— along with all the other fun we
previously couldn’t have, such as
going nude, smoking, drinking,
listening to loud music or reciting
on Los Angeles County
beaches.” Again, just a
firestorm of criticism for the
new rules.
Well, as a result of
all this criticism, the
supervisors did back off a
bit. Newly-adjusted rules
now allow you to toss a
Frisbee or football outside
the designated areas if you
get previous permission
from a lifeguard (as if
lifeguards don’t have more
important things to do).
So, we’re all one big,
happy, PC beach family
now, right?
Shakespeare in a bad English
accent.
The updated rules prohibited “any
person to cast, toss, throw, kick or
roll” any object other than a beach
ball or volleyball “upon or over any
beach” between Memorial Day and
Labor Day. Exceptions allow for
ball-throwing in designated areas,
when a person obtains a permit, or
playing water polo “in or over the
Pacific Ocean.”
Now, I can almost understand
What about seagulls?
As everyone knows,
those rats-with-wings
are the true danger at the
beach. Seagulls’ beaks
are razor-sharp, and they
won’t hesitate to cut ya.
They steal anything not
nailed down and they
delight in “bombing”
helpless sunbathers with
raw sewage.
Beyond that, I’ve seen
seagulls flash-mob little
children to steal their
Fritos — and carry the
kids away if they won’t let
go of their snacks.
See WALKER, A4
I mean, who gave
seagulls a pass?
Why aren’t they
restricted to certain areas
of the beach? Why are
seagulls the only ones
allowed to tag, threaten,
litter, steal, bully, injure
and generally annoy other
beachgoers?
Were they
grandfathered-in because
they were polluting the
beach before we were?
Are they getting by
pretending they can’t read
the rules?
Or does their gang
have an “in” with the
supervisors?
Somebody must have
something on somebody —
and I’ll bet feathers would
get ruffled if we found out
just who and what.
Or are seagulls
playing the “species”
card, claiming a special,
endangered status?
I can assure you, they
are not endangered. Have
you been to the dump
lately?
Seagulls are not dumb
animals, either. If you
look into their beady little
eyes, you will see a clever
savagery there. And you
can guilt them, which
proves it. Just stare at a
seagull long enough and
he will begin to shuffle
his little feet and sidle
away from you because he
knows that you know his
evil intentions.
Of course, if you pull
out a French fry, the rest
of the gang arrives and a
mob mentality takes over
as they steal your food and
cackle in derision at your
helplessness.
My solution?
Not only should
footballs and Frisbees be
allowed free range at the
beach, their use should be
encouraged for seagull
abatement.
Let’s take our beaches
back. Who’s with me?
Comment at
jwalker@the-signal.
com or at Twitter.com/
DontSeriously.
