Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 198
Time for the V-Day dodge
M
y friends, as I
write this, I have
been poisoned by
the saccharine-sentimentality of impending Valentine’s Day, and I am
twitching, on the verge of
a coma. You see, the other hats I wore at The Signal last week forced me to
treat the big red silliness
as if it were a real thing
that guys actually cared
about.
Thank heavens that I finally have this column
to clear my head, cleanse
my palate and, you know,
pump my stomach.
Fact: Guys hate Valentine’s Day.
Fact: Guys have to pre-
Jim
Walker
Don’t Take Me Seriously
tend they don’t.
And here, I take complete offense to the recent
Super Bowl commercial,
wherein a beautiful babe
suggestively says, “Guys,
Valentine’s Day is not that
complicated. Give, and
you shall receive.”
This was met with a
chorus of boos at the Super Bowl party I attend-
ed, while fathers put their
hands over their young
daughters’ ears to prevent their innocent minds
from being corrupted by
the sales pitch. And, while
I applaud the commercial-makers for admitting
the age-old scam straightout. …
It is, after all, a scam.
Boys, you do not “receive” in measure to what
you give. When it comes to
Valentine’s Day, you give
to maintain what you already have. If you don’t
clear the bar on Feb. 14, the
result will be that you have
less on Feb. 15 than you did
See DODGE, A7
Dodge
Continued from A1
on Feb. 13 — maybe a whole lot less.
It is a classic, no-win situation.
And, gentlemen, as we all know, when
confronted by a no-win situation, our
time-tested, genetically programmed response is to … what? Say it together …
yes, that’s right … to run away.
So how do we run away from Valentine’s Day, especially at the last minute?
How do we dodge the beast?
Well, you have to make a decision first.
Do you just want a temporary vacation
from romantic responsibility, or do you
want out for good? If it’s the latter, anything goes. Your maneuvers are only constrained by your level of cruelty.
But let’s assume you want to keep your
reputation as a nice guy. Then the best
way to get permanently out of your relationship is the reverse breakup. And it’s
really easy. All you have to do is be yourself. I mean your real self. In short order, she will be ushering you out the door
while telling you, “It’s not you, it’s her.”
The only problem here is that the closer it is to Valentine’s Day, the more reluctant women are to do anything to reduce
their chances of rolling in romantic excess. Trust me, on the morning of V-Day,
she will put up with a whole lot more of
your “quirks” than she normally would.
Hence, you need to ramp up your game.
Maybe break out that old 1980s, bare-bel-
ly workout jersey that hardly looked good
on you when you were 50 pounds lighter
— and tell her, just FYI, your mother and
her six cats are moving in.
Now, there is a bright side to your
woman’s V-Day greed. You can take advantage of it and demand some concessions that she wouldn’t normally consider. Maybe you could push for that man
cave in return for taking your stinky feet
off the doily on the dining room table.
However, if you don’t really want to
drive her away, this is a dangerous game
and you have to walk a fine line.
Now, if you only want to dodge one
day of romantic abuse (today), and would
like the rest of the year to remain status
quo, you have very few choices. You see,
if she runs off to her mother’s on Valentine’s Day, and you want her to come
home sometime after that, you will have
to make up for it with even greater heaps
of lavishness than the “holiday” would
have originally required.
Nope. At this late hour, your maneuvers for dodging Valentine’s Day without further repercussions are pretty much
limited to sudden and serious illness —
either well-faked or self-induced. And it
has to be an illness that incapacitates you
for, maybe, a week after V-Day. That way
she will not expect you to do anything romantic until such time as the red spell
has released her mind.
Oh, and if she reads this column …
well, you’re out of luck this year, pal.
Comment at jwalker@the-signal.com
or at http://Twitter.com/DontSeriously.
