Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 193
Featured commentary
Driving away the joys of the road
T
he other day, a friend of mine
was doing a little ranting regarding possible changes in cellphone laws in California. Particularly,
she was incensed about the prospect
that “the law dogs” might soon ban the
use of hands-free devices while driving in our fair state — with the resulting discrimination against those of us
who, you know, like to sing along with
the radio while we drive.
I mean, think about it.
How could a CHP officer observing you know whether you were
singing along with your favorite
song on the radio — or using your
cellphone, via a hands-free device,
to change an appointment with your
dog’s psychologist?
So the officer pulls you over and
says, “You were on the phone, here’s
your ticket.”
And you say, “No ,I wasn’t. I was
singing to the radio,” and then you
proceed to belt out a few lyrics to
make your case: “Bis-mi-lah! No, we
while your other hand tries make exceptions for the use of system to offer such comments as:
Jim handed
to land a punch on your teenager in phones and other devices in emer- “Don’t look at her, keep your eyes
on the road!” — accompanied by a
gency situations.
back seat.
WALKER theThey’ll
You know, so you can dial 911 nasty electric shock to your tush.
also want you to volun-
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
will not let you go … Let him go!”
The officer, of course, considers this an assault on his person, by
a crazy person — and so on, and
so on — until you are doing hard
time.
It’s discrimination, my friends
— against all of us who make our
days a little more tolerable through
song on the highway.
Oh, but the cramping of our styles
will not end there, mes amis. I recently read that the California Highway Patrol plans an aggressive education campaign to discourage all
sorts of distracted driving.
And that would include such national pastimes as putting on your
makeup while driving, eating a chili
dog at the wheel or driving one-
tarily stop tuning your radio while
driving, changing CDs, drinking
coffee or even booger hunting, for
crimeny sakes.
I mean, sheesh, where will the
assaults on our inalienable rights
end?
And “voluntary” changes have a
sneaky way of becoming the socially accepted norm, and then, eventually, they become laws. Really important laws.
I mean, in California, it is already
illegal to shoot any kind of game
from a moving vehicle — unless it
is a whale. Huh? And women are
not allowed to drive in a house coat
(which may be more about decorum
than safety, but whatever).
However, the good news is that
those who suggest these anti-distracted-driving restrictions will
while you are in the middle of a
360-degree spin on black ice.
I can only imagine where this is
all heading. I mean, picture a morning, maybe five years from now. You
walk up to your electric car and blink
at the eye-scanning pad to be allowed
entry. You ease into the driver’s seat
but, before you can start the car, you
must offer a blood sample so that the
onboard computer (directly connected to CHP and DMV HQs) can analyze your blood chemistry, as well as
your potential for road rage.
You then ease your hands into
place at 10 and 2 on the wheel —
and they are locked-in for the duration of the trip.
And while your head is allowed
to move so that you can scan your
surroundings, the camera watching your eyes will trigger the sound
Of course, another five or so
years after that, the computers in
our autos will be doing all the driving for us.
This will be a great relief because
a), we know how infallible automobile technology is, and b) we’ll finally be allowed to go back to all our
bad habits and creature comforts.
Well, as long as they are all socially and politically correct, as determined by the “cloud” servers that
will be keeping watch on us all, and
as long as we remain securely fastened in place by our chest, waist,
head, arm and leg shackles.
So don’t even think you’ll, once
again, be able to reach out and “educate” your lippy adolescent.
Comment at jwalker@thesignal.com or Twitter at http://Twitter.com/DontSeriously.
