Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 183
Featured commentary
Well, good morning, it’s Christmas
G
ood morning, my friends.
Have a cup of coffee and
a slice of leftover turkey.
Take a moment, take a breath,
and realize … it’s Christmas.
While, somewhere, a calendar
says you’ve still got 30 days,
the truth is, it’s been Christmas
since Halloween. But it’s only
now, the day after Thanksgiving,
while the ambulance wagons
are picking up the bodies left
from the first major battle of the
seasonal family wars, that you
can concentrate on it.
And I don’t know about you,
but for me, apparently, a year has
gone by in a “Christmas Carol”
nightmare. Some stuff happened,
I’m sure, but, seriously, it feels like
I just did this. And so we don’t
have to wait for New Year’s Eve to
look back on the year. It’s time to
complain now. As Lennon sang….
“So this is Christmas
And what have you done?
Another year over….”
So what have you done?
If you plotted your gym
attendance over the past year,
Jim
WALKER
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
the graph would look like the
trajectory of a clown being shot
out of a circus cannon, coming
hard to earth along about March.
If you plotted your credit card
balances over the 12 months, the
graph would look like the path of
a jet taking off from an aircraft
carrier, with a small, optimistic
dip as it leaves the deck, then a
great, soaring climb.
If you plotted the progress of
your personal relationships, church
attendance, self-improvement,
soul enrichment, weight loss or
even exfoliating or flossing, the
“graphs” would look like someone
fired bird shot at them.
Fits and starts, baby, fits and
starts.
And, if you plotted your gross
income over the year … well,
these days you’d be happy with
a flatliner. If you did better than
that, mum’s the word. Just agree
with everyone else about how bad
things are or you’re always going
to get stuck with the check.
And for sure don’t tell them
you’re making an extra $400 per
month donating your plasma —
they’ll just want in on the deal.
Sadly, the only thing you can
count on increasing at a steady
rate, regardless of what you do or
don’t do, is, well, your age.
So you’ve nearly aged a year
since last Christmas, and all
you have to show for it is good
intentions gone bad, and bad
hygiene gone worse. The only
thing you can hang your hat on
is that you donated 20 yearsworth of reindeer sweaters to the
Goodwill — you know, just in
time to get another one.
You’re older, uglier, sadder,
poorer, dumber and more
“eccentric,” and Christmas has
you in its sights again, with
the New Year’s gavel about
ready to fall and finalize your
condemnation.
What to do?
Rationalize, my friends,
rationalize to beat the band.
Shuffle off to kid-yourselftown and make it all go away.
If you look at them from
enough angles, and if you’re
forceful enough in your
presentation, you can convince
yourself that all of your failures
are actually successes.
Do you doubt?
Well, consider these:
Less money?
You’re doing your part to spend
less, keep inflation down, and
generally reduce your carbon
footprint.
Still haven’t gotten in shape?
You’re doing your part to make
other lazy slobs feel better about
themselves.
Still haven’t learned to play
the violin?
You’ve allowed someone else
to keep his chair in the Homeless
Encampment Orchestra.
Still sleeping on the
downstairs couch?
You’re closer to the refrigerator
and ESPN, and farther from
cuddling and extraneous body heat.
Still haven’t repaired the
relationship with your brotherin-law?
It will just make the emotional
reunion more meaningful five
years from now, when he gets out
of prison.
Didn’t spend enough time
this year reading to your 5-yearold daughter?
It just gave her more time to
work on her chat room skills.
Didn’t take that community
college course?
You’ve done your part to A)
make other people feel smarter
by comparison to you, B) make
room in the class so that another
shiftless high school grad can
con his parents into continuing
to let him live at home, and C)
stop perpetuating “The Use of
Klingon in Nerd-Circles,” which
was the course title.
’T’sallgood, and Merry
freaking Christmas.
Comment at jwalker@thesignal.com or Twitter at http://
Twitter.com/DontSeriously.
