Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 181
Featured commentary
‘Angry Birds’ and cranky columnists
S
o, I just became aware of the
video game “Angry Birds”
— proving once again how
out of touch I am, as the game has
been rapidly growing in popularity
since it was released in 2009.
Silly little time-waster, seems
to me.
In the game, players use a
slingshot to launch birds at pigs
stationed on or within structures,
with the intent to wipe out all the
pigs on the playing field and cause
massive destruction. I am told the
fact that the game is mobile, as in
you can play it on your smartphone,
is the best thing about it.
What…ever.
I can sure tell you the worst
thing about it: It has generated an
estimated $70 million. Someone is
getting rich while y’all waste your
lives away playing it. And, most
important, I’m getting none of the
cash.
This makes me an angry bird.
It’s bad enough that I didn’t
invent the microwave oven, VCR
during my lifetime of
Jim “artwork”
“game play.”
WALKER
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
or reciprocating nose hair trimmer,
or that I didn’t create Microsoft
or Apple. These oversights I can
reluctantly live with because, I
assume, it took a lot of hard work
and genius to accomplish these
things. No, it’s the cash cows that
originally started off as larks, such
as Facebook and “Angry Birds,”
that I can’t accept.
I mean, I get angry, too, you
know. And I have done my share
of destruction. We’re talking reallife, lookie-there destruction, not
namby-pamby stuff on a video
screen. And all it ever did was cost
me money, not make any.
Someday I will find there is a
museum dedicated to the doors,
walls, windows, textbooks,
electronics and gas-powered
devices I have turned into
And guess what else I’ll learn.
Right, the museum can’t make
any money, either. It will be more
of an homage to lovable intensity,
a curiosity folks will tour and add
graffiti to, as they do with Cadillac
Ranch in Texas.
Now, aside from being a reusable
outlet for aggression, “Angry
Birds” is pretty much a do-nothingmachine. Nothing of any real use is
created during its “play.”
Well, I have created my share of
do-nothing-machines, too, from
the Incredible Sinking Raft to the
Twisted Trumpet to the Immobile
Automobile.
And Dehydrated Water was
an idea I came very close to
perfecting.
But turning the corner
to profitability with these
masterstrokes was always where I
came up short.
I mean, does anyone remember
the Pet Rock? Well, I invented a
version of that. I called him Fred.
I just got, you know, really angry
once, and threw Fred at someone
— and he turned Fred into a
marketing bonanza.
Then there were my Broccoli
Patch Kids (made of real broccoli),
Tickle Me Elbows and Beanie
Boogers — all just an eyelash away
from hitting the right marketing
demographic, I’d swear.
Where was my assistance
from the universe? Where was
my marketing guru? Where were
perfect timing and plain-old luck?
Where is my money?!
Ah…me.
Woulda, shoulda, coulda.
But knowing people are
squandering their youth and
making nerds rich while playing
a silly, simplistic little video game
with characters a 3-year-old could
draw…well, it just doesn’t sit right.
I mean, in an equitable world, I’d
make millions with these columns.
They are equally as sociallyvaluable as “Angry Birds,” and
have the added benefit of making
terrific bird cage liners when you
are through with them.
Maybe I will create a video
game called “Cranky Columnists.”
Maybe it would be something like
“Where’s Waldo” meets Monopoly,
and every time you pass “Go” or
find the columnist complaining, or
in a compromising situation, you
send 99 cents to yours truly.
Either that, or take a shot of our
“game-brand” tequila.
The details are unimportant at
this point. All that needs to happen
now is that it goes viral on Twitter
and gets top billing on the Google
search engine. The numbers will
be up, the investors will follow, and
we’ll supply actual product later.
I hear “Angry Birds” got started
for $140,000. For that money, I can
take my sabbatical to Tahiti and, you
know, eventually, come back with
something really spiffy for you.
Comment at jwalker@thesignal.com or Twitter at http://
Twitter.com/DontSeriously.
