Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 178
Featured commentary
Speaking of awkward social moments
J
udging by the reaction to last
week’s column on the bro
handshake, there are, apparently,
a lot of you out there who struggle
with these kinds of interpersonal
interactions as much as I do.
6o, let’s dive deeper into this soup
of social etiquette. We’ll start eas
and then finish with WKHTXHVWLRQ
WKDWI posed last week about Aunt
Edna.
Exactly when do you make direct
eye contact as you pass someone?
Here, I refer you to my previous
column “Thin grins and social white
lines,” which explored this subject in
depth. But inquiring minds have
asked for a revisit.
There are two issues here, really:
(1) the correct distance at whichdirect
eye contact should be made
(accompanied by the thin grin and
nod); and (2) what to do with yourself
before that, as you approach
Approximately ILYHfeet is the
solutionto the first issue, depending
“Your fly’s open,” (which will get
space when you attempt to go
Jim confined
them to stop and look, and allow you
around someone and you both move
same direction at the same time,
WALKER thegetting
right in each other’s faces.
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
on your approach speed. If you are
closer, it requires a creepy, puppetlike turn of your head as you pass,
and doing it farther out means you
have to maintain the eye contact too
long (also creepy) or do it more than
once, which will invite unwanted
conversation.
The second issue, what to do
while waiting to make eye contact,
is a wide-open field of possibilities.
Watching the floor go by is the
industry standard, but glancing at
your cellphone is becoming more
popular all the time. For added flair,
why not bust out in a song?
What do you say when you
doorway dance?
The doorway dance (aka sidewalk
boogie) is the dance you do in any
You know, then you both move the
other way at the same time, laugh
nervously and offer tired old saws,
such as, “Shall we dance?”
Now, if everyone followed the
rules of the American highway, as
in staying to the right, the sidewalk
boogie would never happen. But
pedestrians are easily confused, and
crowds add multiple permutations,
and sometimes you just run into
an Englishman. So, this dance will
always be with us. But, people,
please, let’s get creative with our
responses to it.
Maybe …
“This reminds me of prom night,”
(which is fun).
or …
“I dreamed this would happen,”
(which will really get them thinking).
or even …
to choose which side to pass on).
And, finally, the one you’ve all
been waiting for…
Just how long should your lips
stay on Aunt Edna’s when you
greet her on arrival at her house on
Thanksgiving?
It seems like such a small thing,
really. But a wrong choice here
could lead to problems, especially
since Edna is slipping a little and
sometimes blows things out of
proportion, emotionally.
Now, Edna, being semi-close
family, and having mailed you socks
for every birthday and Christmas
since you were age 5, deserves
some extra sentiment — something
along the lines of a short lip-peck,
followed by an extended cheek-press,
combined with a firm hug and an
“Oh, it’s so good to see you.”
But you’ve got to get it right. If
you miss the lip-peck, she could
feel slighted, and you could end up
with only the turkey neck on your
Thanksgiving plate. And if you get
distracted and overstay on the peck,
well, you might be awakened at
midnight by Edna in a negligee.
You’ve got to be careful, right?
Anything over a half-second is asking
for trouble. To help clear that image
out of your mind, think about these:
the awkward moment when
you say goodbye to someone — and
then end up walking in the same
direction;
the awkward moment when
someone asks for their pen back —
that you’ve been chewing on;
and the awkward moment when
you move to hug someone who is very
attractive — and head-butt the mirror.
I’m just sayin’, there’s a million
awkward social moments. You’ve got
to be ready for them.
Comment at jwalker@the-signal.
com or Twitter at http://Twitter.com/
DontSeriously.
