Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 176
Featured commentary
Attitude, gratitude and other mind games
T
hey say the average adult
takes 12 to 20 breaths per
minute at rest. That’s more
than 6 million to 10 million breaths
each year — and, for the most part,
we don’t notice or appreciate any of
those breaths.
But if something were to hold
back your next breath, well, getting
it would quickly become the most
important thing in your world.
And if someone came to your
rescue and enabled you to receive
that wayward breath, that someone
would be your BFF and you would
shower them with gratitude.
When you think about it, breathing
pretty much ranks above everything
else. It’s a more urgent need than
water, food, warmth, love and clean
underwear. And, if someone were to
ask you, “How you doin’?” — taking
continued breathing as a goal, you
really should say, “I’m breathing, so
’t’sallgood.”
But the problem is, we forget
your gratefulness to the
Jim proclaim
world. At Starbucks, when you finally
your tall caramel macchiato,
WALKER receive
clutch it to your breast and loudly
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
about breathing. We forget about
everything that comes to us easily or
continuously. We consider whatever
we currently have as the absolute
minimum we expect, and we always,
always want more. And when we
get more, that soon becomes our
expected minimum.
So, unless you are that rare being
who can continuously be getting
more of everything, the trick to true
happiness is to realize how much you
already have, be grateful for it — and
hoard it with complete paranoia.
Don’t just count your blessings,
jealously guard them and keep them
under the covers with you at night,
stroking them and calling them “my
precious.”
On the other hand, you could
declare, “Mine, mine, all mine!” as
you twirl and dance out the door.
When driving, and you get three
consecutive intersections with green
lights, stop abruptly in the middle of
the third intersection, roll down your
window and shout your thankfulness
to the big green eye.
If someone holds a door open for
you, grab them firmly and thank
them with a big, wet French kiss.
And, while you are at it, don’t
forget to lord things over those less
fortunate than you.
In the lunchroom at work, if the
guy next to you is eating a stale
sandwich, point out to him that you
have warm and delicious Crock-Pot
stew.
If someone else says they have
stew, as well, remind them yours
is all organic, and cooked without
dependence on fossil fuels.
If the woman across the table from
you is eating only vegetables, point
out to her that you can eat all the
carbs you want and your hips stay the
same size.
Remember, it’s that attitude of
gratitude that will make you happy.
Of course, even with all this manic
appreciation for what you have
and receive, the status quo might,
sometimes, get you down. That old “I
want more” syndrome might sneak
in and cause you to be dissatisfied.
The cure for that is a split
personality. Let your controlling
self take things away from your
discontented self — and then give
them back later when they will be
better-appreciated.
If you are out at lunchtime with
$20 in your wallet, instead of buying
that huge pizza you covet, deposit
that $20 in your savings account.
Your hunger over the missed meal
will lower your threshold of gratitude
and, that evening, when you get
home, your leftover macaroni will
seem like a true blessing.
Then, the next day, you can take
your $20 out of the bank, put it in your
wallet, and it will seem like you just
got an extra $20. But be sure to use the
same teller for both bank transactions
because he or she will surely want to
be part of your scheme.
Ladies, if you find yourself
cursing your hair as too curly or too
straight, shave it all off. By the time
it grows back you’ll love it for its
“personality.”
And boys, if you find yourself
wanting a better-looking girlfriend,
well, just tell that to the one you have.
She will look much better to you
after she’s gone.
Remember, it’s not about having
what you want, it’s about fooling
yourself into thinking you do.
Comment at jwalker@thesignal.com or http://twitter.com/
DontSeriously.
