Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 175
Featured commentary
Health, harmony and iPhone apps
M
y friends, it is really very
frustrating and humbling
to realize we are all totally
at the mercy of our blood chemistry.
I mean, we’d like to think
we control our bodies, but the
opposite is the reality. Our moods,
motivation, behavior and even
positive and negative views of
events arise more from the blood
than the spirit.
Consider the effects of caffeine,
for instance. I read that, basically,
caffeine causes the release of
adrenaline into the body, so the
body remains active and alert, and
caffeine manipulates dopamine
production in the brain, so you
experience a temporary high.
That’s why we get addicted to it,
and soon can’t function without it.
When we have enough caffeine, the
world looks rosy and we’ll attack
mammoth tasks. When we’re low
on it, there seems to be no reason for
living.
And caffeine isn’t the only thing
coursing through our veins and
things, we don’t
Jim inappropriate
know we’re in trouble until we’re
on the floor.
WALKER twitching
Now, I’m a bit concerned that our
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
controlling us. We’ve got additional
medicinal or recreational inputs,
fluctuating blood-sugar levels and a
host of other ingredients in our body
soups that, basically, need to be at
optimum concentrations or we think
the world is out to get us and want it
to burn, burn, burn.
Now, I am sure that, somewhere
in our dim past, nature provided
all the clues we would need for
us to realize what substances our
bodies might be running low on or
consuming too much of.
You only have to look at dogs to
see this in action. When a dog needs
a little sumpin-sumpin, he will eat
grass.
We “advanced” human types,
however, have gotten so far away
from nature, and so hopped up
on inappropriate amounts of
scientists and engineers can create
sensors and computer-monitored
warning systems to keep elaborate
space junk in efficient operation —
and yet, nowhere is there a control
panel for body chemistry.
Oh sure, they can hook you up to
hospital monitors, which consider a
few vital factors, but those factors
are very limited, and the monitors
are a bit less than convenient to drag
around all day.
What we need is something like
an iPhone app with a set of graphic
gauges. You touch the screen and
you can see dials and warning
lights that tell you all about what’s
happening in your body.
The results of infinite and
ongoing blood chemistry and
other tests would be continuously
analyzed, and warnings spit out
ahead of danger, such as: “Drink
water now,” “Have a sandwich,”
“You need fiber,” “Take a nap,”
“Stop doing that” or “The
authorities have been notified.”
With this total-monitoring, and
the appropriate and timely remedies
taken, we would all be perpetually
happy, creative, energetic, friendly,
kind, obedient, loyal and true.
We’d all hover near our optimum
weight and exercise whatever parts
of our bodies needed it, when they
needed it. We’d probably eliminate
cancer and most diseases and live
for 1,000 years.
And really, wouldn’t all that
be worth the discomfort of the
artery punctures and rectal
probes?
Now, taking this even further,
physiological/behavioral warnings
could be read by other people via
screens placed on our foreheads.
Every interpersonal encounter
would benefit from the knowledge
so-gained, as forewarned is
forearmed. You would know on
approach that, say:
Your boss had too much wine
at lunch and was either, “Easily
manipulated now — ask for raise,”
or “Looking to chop some heads —
fake a seizure.”
Your right-wing buddy was,
“Low on blood sugar, feeling
paranoid — irrational rant on
immigration imminent.”
That rumpled, mumbling guy
on the street corner was, “Just given
$5, endorphins flowing — eye
contact OK now,” or “***** sensors
off charts — maintain 50-foot
distance.”
That girl at the party was, “In
need of chocolate, not romance.”
The hulk with the shaved head,
prominent eyebrow ridge and treetrunk-sized biceps was “Perpetually
in ’roid rage.”
And your wife was “Retaining
water — expect hostility and
illogical mood swings.”
I’m just sayin’, it would help if we
knew a few things ahead of time.
Comment at jwalker@thesignal.com or http://twitter.com/
dontseriously.
