Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 164
Carmageddon,
schmarmageddon
I
’m going
out on what
I feel is a
pretty sturdy
limb here, my
friends, and predicting most
confidently that
the whole 405
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
freeway “Carmageddon”
thing this weekend will turn out to be a big nothing.
And I take for my historical precedents the over-hyped
Y2K “disaster” and the much-publicized “end of the
world” last May 21. Yep, like whoopee cushions, those
supposed catastrophes deflated annoyingly but harmlessly.
I mean, the news-media outlets have gotten the word
out about this dire situation, this temporary closing of the
freeway, most efficiently.
Unless you pop up from under a rock in Utah today
and expect to drive from there directly down the 405 to
Jim
WALKER
See WALKER, A5
Walker
Continued from A1
visit the Getty Center, you will have probably made adjustments to your automotive endeavors.
If you haven’t, you’re a dolt and deserve any
trouble you might get.
Now, I am no expert on traffic patterns in
the Greater Los Angeles area. But in looking
at the freeway maps, the numbers don’t add up
to disaster.
For example, heading south, you’ve got one
inland artery (the 5 freeway) bringing folks
down from the north into the L.A. area. That
doesn’t change on July 15.
From the 5 you’ve got the 210, 405 and 170
all branching off, as well as the 5 itself continuing on. That means only one-fourth of
those — the 405 — will be out of action this
weekend.
With all the publicity, all the alternatives,
and all the people who will be staying off the
road because of all those calamitous warnings,
Carmageddon should be a bust — which is a
good thing.
However, the anticipation of Carmageddon has spawned a whole lot of new commerce because, you know, shrewd Americans
will always exploit a disaster for financial
gain. Two of these promotions came across
my email this week and a third was on the
TV news.
The first exploitation of Carmageddon I read
was disguised as a “helpful” story on stress-relieving techniques to be employed while you
are stuck in traffic.
However, only a couple of such tips were offered — including not clenching your teeth and
having an inflatable punching bag handy with
your boss’ face on it — and then the piece led
you to a website where some woman sold her
expertise on success.
The second exploitation of the supposed disaster was basically an ad for a vitamin drink
that “promotes happiness and eliminates
stress.” Seems like an unnecessary product.
I mean, don’t they already have beer?
Of course, drivers should have something
nonalcoholic, but one wonders what drivingability-reducing chemicals are in the “vita-
min” drink that would be strong enough to
induce the advertised “happiness.”
And, finally, I was made aware that JetBlue sold 600 tickets at the astonishing
price of $4 each for one-way flights between Long Beach Airport and Bob Hope
Airport in Burbank this Saturday. Part of
the promotion was that, not only would you
avoid traffic, but you could look down on
the folks stuck in it as a sideshow.
Why not take this income-generating
thinking a step further? I propose blimp
rides over freeways adjacent to the 405 closure area. As with the JetBlue flights, people free in the air can then gloat about being
smarter than the fools stuck in traffic below.
Not only will tickets for the blimp rides
generate income, but business people can
drop their cards on stranded motorists, who
will surely be in a receptive mood.
Short of this, we could at least make money with small airplanes towing signs in
the sky for the unfortunate drivers to read,
maybe promoting such things as the show
“Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?”
— with the answer obviously “No.”
Personally, if I was trapped in traffic in
the sun, I’d appreciate freeway-shoulder
lemonade stands operated by Hooters waitresses. Think of the price they could charge.
And they might also sell relief bottles, if
you know what I mean.
Too much?
Well, it’s not going to matter, anyway.
Carmageddon will be a joke, my friends.
Now please, people. Do not take any of
this as a recommendation to get out there
in traffic this weekend. Stay home, save gas
and save your sanity. Besides, if you do stay
home, you are helping my prediction come to
pass.
But the question is begged: Will I boldly head out on the 405-adjacent freeways this
weekend to test my prophecy?
Well, I am sorely tempted to do just that —
and to take video of the scenery flying by as I
breeze along. But I am expecting a visit from
the Publishers Clearinghouse people, who I
know are bringing me an oversized check and
balloons sometime between 7 p.m. Friday and
6 a.m. Monday. So, you know, I gotta stick
close to home.
Comment at jwalker@the-signal.com or
Twitter @DontSeriously.
