Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 161
Roller coasters and flying denture danger
A
s you read this, it will be after the fact.
As I write this, it is before.
And I have given the newspaper
permission to run this column, even
if something goes tragically amiss.
You see, at this point, which
is Wednesday, I fully intend to
be aboard the new roller coaster,
Green Lantern: First Flight, when it
launches off on its first Media Day
runs on Thursday at Six Flags Magic Mountain. But my column is due
Thursday, to run on Friday (today,
as you read it), and so there won’t
be a lot of time to tweak it after I
take my ride. However, I don’t expect there to be any writing adjustments necessary. I fully expect to
love the ride and come back to the
office in one undamaged and revitalized piece.
You know, unless someone’s dentures fly out of his mouth and hit me
in the eye.
No, seriously. People who have
dentures are often concerned that
they will lose their false teeth on
roller coasters — and they ask for
advice on the Internet — so we can
be sure they are getting the best answers possible, right?
Here’s an example.
Question: “Will denture adhesive
hold my dentures in place on a roller coaster?”
Internet answer No. 1: “Up-
Jim
WALKER
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
pers usually fit better than lowers. It would be the lower I would
worry might pop off your gums —
but it isn’t likely to fly out of your
mouth.”
(This followed by further sage advice.)
“Practice with your new dentures
and lean over the bed and open your
mouth and shake your head around.
See if they will come loose. If they
do, you may want to consider taking
your lower denture out and securing
it in a safe place in your purse for
the duration of the ride.
(That seems neighborly.)
Internet answer No. 2: “A properly fitted denture should stay without
adhesive. If you feel you need adhesive for the roller coaster, it should
help, though.”
(This followed by the obvious.)
“It may also help to keep your
mouth closed and not yell.”
(Which was really my first
thought.)
Since there is practically no chew-
ing necessary when one is riding a
roller coaster, and correct pronunciation of “Ohhhhh $#@!” isn’t really
important, it must be simple vanity
that makes folks want to have teeth
in their faces while they scream like
fools and their hair blows out like
Bozo the Clown’s.
But, my dear gummers, your
vanity isn’t worth losing my eyesight over. So pack ’em up or shut
’em down. In return, I promise not
to carry my girl’s flip-flops in my
hands (again), which is doing my
part to prevent flying objects during rides.
Of course, dentures (or sandals)
aren’t the only shrapnel whizzing
around roller coasters. I mean, I have
seen the graveyards of lost objects
below these rides. And these junkyards always include — in addition
to loose bolts and other coaster hardware, which is definitely disconcerting — coins that have made their way
out of pockets. But I have also seen
sunglasses, shoes, cell phones, toupees, screenplays, babies and dead
raccoons. (Well, it was actually a doll,
but for just a moment I wondered.
And why that raccoon was allowed
on the ride in the first place, I’ll never understand. I mean, it couldn’t have
made the height requirement.)
As you can imagine, any of these
potential projectiles could be eyedamaging — or worse — especial-
ly if they fly out of the coaster at the
top of a loop and then, seconds later,
meet you at the bottom of the loop
while you are traveling at 60 mph.
However, a slimy denture whacking
you in the face would certainly add
insult to injury.
While I do not expect to be struck
by flying teeth during my ride on
Thursday, just to be on the safe side,
I will require everyone around me
to shout out “She sells sea shells!”
three times before we launch. And
if there is any dental movement visible, that suspect will have to perform the old lean over, open the
mouth and shake the head maneuver.
Hey, a guy can’t be too careful.
Safety first, right?
You may have seen it already, but
just for a chuckle, and before you
ride any roller coaster, watch Patrick
Warburton’s Roller Coaster Safety
Tips video at www.funnyordie.com/
videos/743c7cd5a7/rollercoastersafety-with-patrick-warburton.
—
Late Thursday addendum: The
Green Lantern ride was a real bodybender. So put your dentures in your
pocket before you ride it, because
you will not be able to keep your
mouth closed. And you will scream
like a little girl.
Comment at jwalker@the-signal.
com or Twitter @DontSeriously.
