Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 155
Both feeling good and looking stupid
N
ow, I don’t fly across
the country very often, so each time I do,
I become painfully aware of
yet more disappointments in
airline service, more invasions of personal space and
more degradations of the human spirit throughout the
process. And it only makes
sense that these assaults on
civility might result in travelers employing a little less
common courtesy and good
manners among themselves.
Well, maybe a lot less.
All of this kind of gets under my skin, you see, and I
become a little cranky during
cross-country trips. And, yes,
sleep deprivation figures into
this as well.
Afflicted with the aforementioned bad humor, I find
myself becoming perversely critical of little things that a
more contented traveler might
overlook — say, like what
people are wearing … or listening to … or manipulating
with their grimy, devious fingers … or their cowlicks …
or how they breathe, chew or
stagger down the aisle … or
the fact they always seem to
want to stand by my seat and
invade my zone of respect
with their hind parts.
But the thing that really set
me a-thinking on my latest
trip was, well, neck pillows.
I mean, when did neck pillows become fashion statements?
And don’t try to tell me
that all those people wearing neck pillows around airports just forgot to take them
off after their flights. I mean,
it’s not the same thing as forgetting to re-buckle your
pants when you get up from
the Thanksgiving table. Some
of these pillows are as big as
horse collars. You could not,
not notice them blocking your
peripheral vision, muffling
sounds and restricting inhalation.
You are in public, people.
Have a little pride.
But ruling out narcolepsy, maybe pride IS the rea-
Jim
WALKER
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
son they wear their pillows
in lines at airport coffee
counters and while seated in skyway bars. Maybe it’s the whole “My pillow is bigger than yours”
head trip. And this theory gained credence when I
noted that these neck bumpers had increased in average size over the four-day
period between my going
and my coming back.
Soon you’ll have to check
your neck pillow at the baggage counter — which will
defeat the whole purpose.
And there are other prideful expressions available in
these head aligners, including various colors, leopardskin patterns and even some
with animal heads on them
that would surely bring on inflight dreams of having your
face gnawed.
Now, since this pillow juggernaut seems to be picking up momentum, here’s the
way I suggest things go:
Given that neck support is
increasing in scope, and that
shoulder-locking apparatuses aren’t very far off — and
given that airline travelers are
increasingly making use of
their own music and videos,
snacks and thermoregulatory layering — why not combine everything into a universal suit with attached helmet,
similar to those worn by astronauts?
The suit, owned by you, the
wearer, would control your
climate and entertainment,
provide nourishment and hydration, automatically cushion pressure points and support your upper body. And,
best of all, with the soundproof, light-proof protective
visor, you could literally shut
yourself off from all annoyances, including seatmate
conversation, crying babies,
warning chimes and captain’s
announcements about cruising altitude.
With your suit lined by an
adult diaper, there would be
no reason to move about the
cabin.
For sleeping, all you would
have to do is turn the music and video off. And in
this isolation suit, you might
even be able to slide your
consciousness into another dimension, similar to the
effects of a sensory-deprivation tank. You might be
able to avoid the whole flight
while dreaming of sand dollars on the beach.
Taking this concept one
step further, since your suit
could be pressurized, there
would be no need to pressurize the airplane. There would
be no need for oxygen masks,
flight attendants or much,
really, except electroshock
panels for those who try to
take the wrong seat or jam
an oversized carry-on in the
overhead bin.
Think of the savings that
would result.
Now, of course, fashion
would eventually creep into
these super-function suits as
it does with everything else.
And those with the means
would try to bring an outward
show of wealth and one-upmanship to the whole deal. It
would probably start with logos and then move on to camouflage, plaid, bling and faux
fur. From there, it might be
gorilla costumes and who
knows what.
But again, your visor could
block out all their egotistical
displays. It would virtually
make other people disappear.
And isn’t that really the secret desire of every airline
traveler?
But for now, people, please
don’t walk around with pillows on your neck and your
sleep-hair all askew. It’s a little more of an intimate look
into your lives than I care to
experience.
Comment at jwalker@thesignal.com or @DontSeriously.
