Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 153
Hindsight and ‘Hot Tub Time Machine’
I
figure the title sold “Hot Tub Time
Machine” long before anyone
sketched in the characters or story of this 2010 “science-fiction comedy film.” I mean, the title pretty
much tells you everything you need
to know: Older guys from the present jump in the water and go back to
the 1980s and their misspent youth.
It’s basically a rowdy and raunchy doover for each of them — a chance to
do right what wasn’t done right before
— all while making lots of gross and
slapstick mistakes in the process.
High art, indeed.
With that nearly irresistible title and
premise, it surprises me that I had never watched the film until this past week
(on Blu-ray). However, at a time when
hot tubs figure prominently in my athletic-ability-recovery campaign, and
the circumstances of my life are pretty
much wide-open, brand-new and doover-able, maybe fate brought me this
little gem of philosophical examination
just when I needed it.
Yeah, let’s go with that.
Now, for me, the 1980s pretty much
passed in a haze. I was looking backward fondly to the 1970s, and forward
impatiently to the whatevers, and
barely noticed the decade. And that’s
surprising, because the 1980s comprised one of the few lengthy time
spans in my life when I actually knew
who I was. The problem was, I want-
Jim
WALKER
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
ed to be someone else.
Now, if I could go back to the 1980s
and meet me, I would probably slap
me around a bit, trying to smack some
sense in. And I would definitely adjust the kid’s investment portfolio.
But how about you? What would you
bring to an ’80s revisit?
In the spirit of “If only I’d known
then what I know now,” let’s consider
how the give and take would play out
if any of us bloated-up out of hot water into the 1980s…. From your 1980s
self: “Dude, Van Halen rocks!”
A 1980s-appropriate response: “Big
time.”
Your knowing what you know now
response: “Definitely. But don’t get
too attached to Diamond Dave.”
From your 1980s self: “Look at
that dweeb with that mobile phone.
What a lamer. No one needs to carry
a phone with them all the time.”
A 1980s-appropriate response:
“Don’t have a cow about it.”
Your knowing what you know now
response: “You really have no idea.”
From your 1980s self: “My girlfriend is doing this thing with her
computer called, like, Prodigy. She
sends stuff to people. What’s the point
of that?”
A 1980s-appropriate response:
“That’s bogus.”
Your knowing what you know now
response: “She should switch to CompuServe.”
From your 1980s self “Do you
think OJ Simpson will be a good actor someday?”
A 1980s-appropriate response:
“Naw. He’s just not convincing.”
Your knowing what you know now
response: “You really have no idea.”
From your 1980s self: “I’m always
gonna keep my tan.”
A 1980s-appropriate response: “For
sure. You have to make time for the
important things.”
Your knowing what you know now
response: “I’d watch that spot on your
shoulder.”
From your 1980s self: “I bought another linen suit. Those are going to be
cool forever.”
A 1980s-appropriate response:
“Bad to the bone, like Sonny Crockett.”
Your knowing what you know now
response: “You really have no idea.”
From your 1980s self: “I’m dropping out of college. I just got a great
job as a DeLorean salesman.”
A 1980s-appropriate response:
“Those stainless steel cars? Dude,
you’re going to be rolling in cash.”
Your knowing what you know now
response: … INSERT SOUND OF
SLAPPING HERE ….
From your 1980s self: “I don’t think
I’ll ever get married.”
A 1980s-appropriate response:
“Yeah, barf me out.”
Your knowing what you know now
response: “Make sure your girlfriend
takes her pills.”
From your 1980s self “I’m gonna
hitchhike through Europe next year.”
A 1980s-appropriate response: “Excellent!”
Your knowing what you know now
response: “Make sure your girlfriend
takes her pills.”
And finally ….
From your 1980s self: “Dude, you
left scum in the hot tub. That’s heinous.”
A 1980s-appropriate response:
“Bite me.”
Your knowing what you know now
response: “Yeah. If I was you I’d start
with the loofah now, kid. If you don’t
stay ahead of things, they kinda get
out of hand.”
This week, Walker’s excuse is
drain bamage from hot tub heat.
Comment at jwalker@the-signal, @
DontSeriously or @SCVSignal.
